A Letter to Heaven

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I dreamed about you! Miss you in this world! Tonight, in my dream, we met...had a good time together! Maybe you are still with me...and I just think, that you have left me. Adi, my grandpa, had proven that the ones who died still are with us...are connected to the world of the ones alive...are you, too? Light shines through my window...a sign? Tears in my eyes...thinking about, having you close, still makes me cry. Your heard stopped pounding next to mine. This is what I miss the most!

Instead our souls are connected. I can accept this - feel this - love this! I am glad that I had the chance to get to know you...to be that close as we were. You have been the one I was looking after...I cared for you! And this is one of the things that hurt incredibly! I cared for you and have the feeling that it was not enough...that I could not keep you a life. I felt my power fading with the time and the topics you were struggling with! Love...it's all about love! You have loved another...and she....in the end could not love you back.

You wrote in your last letter: “Laura, you are the best! I am looking after you! I care for you!” I tried to be your angel in your time on earth...now you are mine...my angel for the time I have on earth!

I learned through your decision! I learned that "giving up" is a choice, I never had seen! ...and in the same time, I learned and felt that "living" is a decision, too! I will live as whole hearted as I can! I will love myself- care for me and for others! Cause no one knows how much time we have left. Time that allows us to live and love!

With your death, I was forced to just feel what I need! I needed this to overcome that hard time! I shared a lot of pain with Carsten who - through my loss - felt the pain caused by the loss of others he loved. He did not try to make me happy! To make things good again! Because he knew that nothing is good. That the loss and the whole will be there forever!

Carsten always said: “One day you are able to think back and remember the good times, without feeling pain!” ...one day... And that was it! It is ok to feel this pain! To cry and struggle! ...one day...it will be ok! ...I needed this...so I lived this. We wrote a lot, shared thoughts and songs...and enjoyed time outside! He was the first who saw me laugh again …smiling because of the joy I felt when running through the mountains! ...he saw me struggling and saw me getting up again!

...and in the end he took my hand and loved me...

© Laura