by Aylin Akca
Wednesday
19.
No one will claim the pain in your heart; you feel it, why are you afraid of death? Shit, I don’t know. I’m disgusted with myself because I was once afraid of death.
When they asked me to be a suicide bomber, I said “Yes” excitedly.
It seemed good to die to get rid of the death I feared.
Has death ever seemed beautiful to you? Have you ever been so ugly? I like death.
Do you understand?
I only liked death.
It was the only one that would accept me. And the cell leader who wanted me to be a suicide bomber was the man I was in love with.
I was there because I loved him.
Maybe he’d love me. No, I couldn’t do otherwise.
Even if he didn’t love me, I wanted him. Just smelling him when he walked past was enough for me.
But he didn’t even look at me after he found out I was a raped woman.
He didn’t even look at me that morning when he told me I was going to be a suicide bomber, even when he said a bunch of nice words.
He didn’t even look into my eyes when he gave the order that sent me to my death.
The man I loved did not look into my eyes.
I couldn’t say “No” to him, but he said “No” to me. I couldn’t say “No” to death, and death never said “No” to anyone.
Now I hate the man I loved. Now I hate everything.
Now everything looks like a bomb that will explode at any moment; I am afraid to look at the world!
© Aylin Akca 2024-05-11