What did I do wrong?

Marie B

by Marie B

Story

I’ve always been perfect.

All I ever did was what was expected from me. I studied hard, had high expectations. I always aimed high but I overcame the failures. I made the right friends, respected my elders, the younger ones. I was always polite, always helped those in need. But still, I feel broken. Why?

I’ve held my emotions in check. If I knew I was in the wrong I would keep my mouth shut. If I knew my anger or fear was pointless I would swallow it down. I took care of others of they needed my help and I never refused theirs. I always put others first, but I took care of myself. Yet I feel so wronged. Because…

I’ve met countless people in my life that carried trauma with them. And though I emphasized with them, I am not like them. I have not been abused, I have not experienced loss, I’ve never been deeply hurt. I’ve only just had nice people in my life. I have not experienced trauma but I feel hurt. Because… Because?

There must be something wrong with me. I’m supposed to be perfect. I’m supposed to be exactly what I’m expected to be, who everyone wants me to be. I have no reason not be. But yet… Yet?

I am not perfect enough to be normal. I am not different enough to be an outcast. I should belong. But I don’t. Because I… because I am not…

Maybe I’ve spent too much time of my life fitting in. Maybe I was too focused on belonging that I’ve lost my way. Maybe I obsessed with other people so much that I buried myself. My interests, my opinions, my emotions.

No one should force themselves into a costume that is way too tight. No one should have to change themselves only to be accepted. And I don’t have to know the reason I feel bad. Maybe it’s the expectations. Maybe we are all a little broken. Maybe I’m okay. I can feel bad even though I wasn’t traumatized. I can feel wronged if someone acts against my morals. I can feel angry, sad, terrified. I can feel. Because…










Because I am not perfect. There is no perfect. Perfect is an illusion that was created to force us to be different. We are all okay because we are. There is no reason. We are all perfect.

© Marie B 2023-08-27

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