Nightly dose

You hold your hand out towards mine and we interlace our fingers. Laying beside you seems an eternity, although the stars are different every night. See the big dipper, you ask me. Yeah. And there's the North Star. That's how you can find it, no matter what time it is. So, I think about time and space; if you have one you may not have the other, right? The stars are there, I know how to find north and - time has changed, but so has space. Never staying in the same place for long. Sounds like me, she chuckles. And I take a glance around the bedroom; it's just as ever. Dresser vis-a-vis the bed, a painting, above it, some flowers on the right side beside the spectacular window letting in moonshine. The bathroom is closest to me, to the left of the bed. It's a nice room; as nice as ever. What are you thinking about, she asks. Oh, nothing. Come on, you always say that. I was just thinking about your room. It's a nice room. I like it. You do know you've been here before, right, she lets out a giggle and I snuggle her with my nose. She giggles some more and then we disappear under the sheets.

The moon shines brightly on us and I'm holding her close. You know, this isn't so bad. What do you mean, she wonders. Well, I wanted to say that I could get used to it. But I hold my tongue. Have you ever thought of the best worst scenario? No, she looks puzzled, the moonlight spilling over her clear face. I look at her face and savor her. The cheeks, the lips, the nose, the eyes. I remember. Well, you know how you sometimes think about - life, I guess? - and you always think of the worst and best scenario, but you never think of the best worst case scenario? She looks puzzled, but amused. You know, if you get hit by a car, you could die, but you could also just lose one arm. That would be a best worst scenario, right? You don't think about that - like, in general, nobody does. She just laughs, you're so pills sometimes. What? I said you're weird sometimes.

We sleep now. She's beside me. Calm, naked. I caress her and try to remember. I squeeze her and she wakes up. Too soon, still, good. She kisses me and I kiss her and suddenly I can hear her heart heaving and she can hear mine. Her body on my body is - dangerous. It's not ecstasy, it's not love nor ketamine no drug is more dangerous than hope. No high is more powerful than the thought of her staying and staying with me today, tommorow, for who knows how long. Hope that I could make her stay with me tonight and any other night. Hope that she won't tire of me - and I of her. And hope that she still likes me, when the son comes up the next day.

We go back to sleep.

She wakes up. And she thinks I'm asleep. She turns on the light in the bathroom. I'm watching the shadows. Just like every night.

Then she blows her brains out. Just like every other night.