Swallowing the last pieces of myself, the bitter taste poisons me. Want to leave, but can't let go. What do you do when both guide you to pain, leading to a different tomorrow?
There was a wish, but was there ever a way, a maybe? A possibility that it will end like I always dreamed of? Guess I am a fool, falling for a lie. I thought I did it right, but it turned out I planned my own downfall from the beginning while chasing the unreachable horizon. Tricked by its beauty, blinded by the sun.
Orange, yellow, pink and purple color my heart till it covers every inch in that twilight. My mind was secretly aware of the ecstasy luring me, its prying nature triggers rationality. That's only where the problems start to sprout.
Disunity confusing me. Torn between the fronts, heart and head, one wants to move on, the other dies in hope. What if it's too early to decide, too soon to give up? Should I stop? Can I stop?
Should my heart decide the direction, or should my mind take the lead? No compromise. I tried to figure it out, trust me, almost lost my mind in the attempt to find the key. I used all I had and ended up in a timeless place, an endless desert.
Afraid to fail, to fall into regret. To repeat. Waiting is endurable, even if the longing is killing, is bleeding, is watching everyone else rise.
Can't hold it in anymore. The flood is coming. No safe place, no escape. The string is getting thinner, day by day. Feeling the tension.
What happens when it rends?
Will I be the same?
Do I want to be the same?
Now I'm just sitting and waiting. Pressure is my company for the next step, not letting go of my hand. Feel it in my heart, my soul. It never left my side. One thing I can say for sure. My past, present and future are watching me. Fighting for mastery, one is going to get me.
What do you do when everything leads to pain? Leading to a different tomorrow. No safe place, no escape, too many unknown variables.
Who am I gonna be?
When it all ends, what will be left when just splinters remain? Are ruins something you can call a human? They're the testimony of the past, removed from existence, fundamentals too weak to resist.
Who will win? Can't forecast the outcome, but control the next step.
Whatever happens, I want to be proud. Tell myself I did a good job.
I want to make it worth it.
I will make it through.
Somehow I always did.
Heart vs. mind. The game had begun.
© Anna Vuletic 2022-08-31