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Vain

  • 7

I died back then.

I am sure I did.

Stopped living the moment I realized there was no return, no more chance and no more breath to take. There was no sense in anything. Meaningless and worthless, my blood, sweat and tears were leaving their tracks on the surface I was wandering on.

Days pass for the people around, but not for me. I am stuck in a time loop I choose to stay in. Trapped in a lost dream, my heart is still racing with excitement, about something that was never meant to be.

What did I spend my time, my youth, on? Chasing something that wasn't destined to be from the beginning. Why was I put on that way? Why didn't it end before it began to take my heart piece by piece? To consume my soul and rob my precious time.

Now I know better, don't expect me to have confidence when everything I worked for was for nothing. Taming the passion within, not letting her overtake me and putting me through that nightmare again. Will I be able to enjoy myself full-heartedly someday? No regret, no fear, no doubt. Just my healed scars and the freedom of happiness I am desperately looking for.

Can't cap the connection to the past, already happened, not erasable and forever haunting me. What's the point of remembering? What's the point of suffering from that torture that changes nothing at all?

At least have mercy on the time that is awaiting me, replace the pain, let me find a new world, a world that is supposed to be mine. This time without the “best before”, expiring when I pass away. A consistency is what I wish for, something I can rely on, a ground I can build on, a surface I can rest my heart on. Something that is strong enough to hold the weight I am carrying with me.

The hardest part is not to push away the bad memories, to cry under the hand of life that hurts me so much. It's dealing with the endless longing for all the moments of happiness that happened before. The uncontrollable pain deep in your soul that screams for something that is lost forever. The knowledge of impossibility the heart doesn't want to accept nor beliefs.

These memories calm me when the air gets tight. No one is with me, just me and the moments that brought the light. I want to go back to the days I was unconditionally happy, to the days I was able to forget, to the days when vain was just a word and not the bitter reality.

© Anna Vuletic 2022-08-31

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