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You were the first

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You were the first |

My dear,

I just realised something pretty important. And as it's about you, I wanna share it too.

So my point is this:

I have been blaming you for giving me news every now and then, for always getting back on to me, as if I still was that perfect escaping plan of your real life and issues. The nice dream on the back door of daily routine life.

And hanging on to something that just isn't anymore.

But in fact I blamed you for something I did blame myself for! Cause I also let you come in between my thoughts, my wishes, my daily dreams. I was also hanging on to something that is not happening in real life anymore.

I mean, how could it? You are so far away, in geographical distance but also in order of time.

Still. I still miss you.

I absolutely can't forget. You were the first. My first time to fall for someone. So deeply, so true, so unexpected and so worth it. So 100% worth it.

I mean how to stop falling for someone? Someone like you, like us, like our story. Wasn't it all crazy and not to get for anyone but us?

Till today noone gets it... They don't get why I am not mad at you. Why I didn't hate you or wasn't deeply offended by you leaving like that.

But I never blamed you that way. Cause I knew you. And I knew your reasons, why you acted the way you did. I understood. N still do.

I know you don't have answers to all these questions I threw on you. And I know why. It's not because they are difficult or tough to answer - as you said.

It's that you do feel for me. Still. And allways did. But you were damn afraid of that. And your life just never really was here - so how could it all have worked out anyway?!

I can't answer that one myself. But truth is: we both fell for each other! In a way we might never get. Or be able to explain. Not even to ourselves.

I loved you and I felt you. And sometimes still do. Feeling you, in between my colored dreams and the nightmare that life can be sometimes.

Nevermind the reason or moment or what happened. I know we feel this way because its just stronger than us. When you love you love. That's just it and nobody is to blame for that!

You were the first I ever loved. And you will always be that, whether I like it, whether it fits, or not.

Life meant to be different for us.

But its love that keeps us drawn together, even if these many miles & years split us apart.

I do. Still. Feel and fall for you. I can't help it.

It's just the way it is. And I am pretty sure it even makes sense that it stopped making sense. I just can't erase you. Ever.

As a matter of fact you will always stay dear and important to me.

Both of us were - and sometimes still are - just mad about each other. That's how it is. Noone is to blame for that kind of feelings. And real love has always been worth it. Even if it hurts. Even if it didn't work out. Love doesn't ask for timing or sense.

You my dear, just were the one I chose to love. To let in. To get that important. To get me all shook up each and every time again. To make me speechless.

So I want you to know: I blamed you, but I could have blamed myself all that much. As all this time I did leave that door open too...

© MissReveuse 2022-01-20


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