He treats me like I'm blind. Like I do not see traces of lipstick on his shirts that I'm washing. It's as if I can't smell her perfume on him when he lies down next to me.Silence is the only note playing in the background. He refuses to believe what he already suspects - he doesn't love me anymore.I am the only one who is a stranger to his own heart.I have never been closer and more distant from him.Loving indifference is crippled self-loathing, don't you know that?You do not know. He doesn't know either, because if he did, he would put freedom into my hands, at least as compensation for love. And what would I do with her? What would I do?I want a home. I've got a cage. Let it be laced with the most beautiful gold and jewels, the cage will always be a cage."Will you make something for dinner tonight?" He asks as if he didn't know that a warm meal was always waiting for him at the table. I was waiting for him warmly too, only he was never eager for my body. He just wanted someone to wait for him. One who will always be there. And the body that he found elsewhere."At seven. It will be on the table. ” I looked up at his eyes again.How much I hate myself when I look into the eyes I love and I don’t find my reflection in them. Somewhere in the past years, it got lost and I don't know how or where to return to find it again.I mentally pack my suitcase, and then my wheels get stuck above the threshold.It's not him who holds me back, it is my desire that holds me. The stupid need to belong to him even when I know that I am not what he needs. At least not anymore.He gets up and kisses me. He kissed me coldly. Bearly. Coordinated. That's not how you kiss the women you love. That's how you just kiss the one you know you will always have. You know she will always be there.Is she?"Where are you going?" I asked, even asked if I knew he was going to her.“I have some work to do,” he lies as always.I nod, let go, and somehow I know this is forever.His seat is empty and his coffee is drunk. When he comes out the door, nothing is different. The silence is still the same. Only this time does it become unbearable. It's just that this time I can't hate myself anymore, because he doesn't love me.My hand goes to the phone. Only when I typed the number did I realize that I had called a taxi. It takes me a few minutes to remember the address where I met and said goodbye to my love.I get up and instead of getting in the sink, I throw the cups in the trash. I put on my coat, pull out a suitcase hidden under the bed and the wheels don't get stuck on my doorstep. I don't know where I'm going, but a cold bench is better than this golden cage.A taxi is waiting for me in front of the house. I go in, open the window and light a cigarette. I say wordlessly goodbye to dreams about him."Where to?" The driver asked me.I look in the rearview mirror, let out a puff of smoke and say, "Just drive."I toss the keys to the golden cage along the way and promise myself that I will never lose my freedom again.
© NoraFoks 2021-06-07