I write this letter with tears in my eyes, and although I would truly love to say that they are tears of joy, I have to admit that there is a little grief mixed in as well. The weekend was magical… I already told you at the station. It’s strange, even though I of course knew in advance that my time with you would once again not be short-lived, I only really felt it when your train arrived at the platform, the screeching of the brakes like a grating signal to bring back the painful thought that it will be long until I will be able to see you, embrace you, kiss you once more. How I would have loved to at least kiss you goodbye… at least the small kiss on your neck when we hugged, I just couldn’t deny myself.
My parents have admittedly surprised me! Of course they are always friendly when somebody comes to visit, like they have always been kind to Marie. But they really seem to like you! There is a difference between the politeness and courtesy you just show someone and palpable affection. Sure, they know that you mean a lot to me – even though they still have no idea just what truly connects us of course – but nevertheless, I wouldn’t have expected them to be so fond of you.
My mother was delighted with your politeness and obvious good education and my father was probably happy that for once in his life, somebody in our home was even remotely as interested in soccer as he is. Neither of them had anything negative to say about you, and I promise you that’s hardly a common occurrence.
My pillow still smells of you! Had you not at least partially slept on the guest mattress, your smell might be a little more intense, but you were of course right. If my mother had noticed that the guest bed was completely unused, it would certainly have raised some questions. At least the hours in which we did end up sharing my bed will accompany me in my dreams for a long time to come.
I’m meeting Marie tomorrow. I know you have given me your blessing – and I am very grateful for it – but I’m still not certain if I really will confide in her. As much as I want to do it, the fear is still so intense… Once you have spoken to Kai, let me know how it felt for you. Maybe that will help me to gather my courage as well.
Although I will still have to keep our love a secret, it would be a great relief to talk to at least one person about it.
I will dream of you, my beloved.
© Severin Buchenau 2022-05-21