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#queerlove#youngstorytelleraward2022

Letter No.15

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Letter No.15 | story.one

Dearest Sven,

my face will soon be mostly healed. The black eye is barely visible anymore and the wounds on my forehead and my lip are almost gone as well. I look near like I did before and yet I can’t shake the memory of how I looked when I made it home. I will probably only walk away from this with only a small scar, but the traces go so much deeper than only my skin. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look in the mirror again without thinking about it again.

Maybe.

Marie isn’t talking to me anymore. I’ve tried again and again in the last two weeks, without success. Every time she was tight-lipped and terse. When I finally confronted her today, she began to cry. She said she could no longer be seen with „somebody like me“, that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. She wishes me „all the best“ but demands that I keep my distance. I would have preferred it if she had just spat in my face.

My parents still don’t really know what happened. I couldn’t tell them. Of course, they know I was beaten up, but they don’t know the reason for it yet. My father was incredibly angry, said I should have defended myself, that I was too weak, too soft. When he screamed at me, I was already afraid he would hit me as well. My mother intervened before the situation could escalate too much.

But things are still tense here. My parents know I’m keeping a secret from them. I’m afraid it could be only a matter of time until they find out what it is, and I don’t know what they will do then.

Sven, I confess that I’m desperate. Why, of all things, should the love that gave me so much strength in the last weeks, provided me with so much bliss… of all things, that love is now meant to drive me to despair?

The world is so cruel to us. As if it wasn’t enough that we are so far apart from each other, as if it wasn’t enough that we have to hide, now we are meant to suffer even more? Where is the justice in that? What have we done to deserve even a fraction of this?

I wish I knew the answers to those questions, but I don’t even know if answers even exist. I don't know if I'm strong enough to take all this.

I only know that I will always love you. I can't help myself.

Matthias

© Severin Buchenau 2022-05-21

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