the world is weeping. It’s raining outside and the few leaves still carried by the tree outside my window are bending under the load of the heavy drops. It’s a grey day.
I miss you so much. Every day I think of the weekend we spent together and even though the memory is beautiful, it deals a painful blow to my heart every time. Meeting you was the most wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life, but sometimes I can’t help but wish we had never met, so that I would be spared from the pain of our distance. I hope you can forgive that thought. Maybe I’m just not strong enough to love you.
It seems to be so much easier for you and I envy you for that. I know that you miss me as well, but your letters radiate a joy and contentment – against all adversity – that I wish I could give you the same.
But don’t believe that I ever truly regret our love. As much as the distance pains me, as much as it tortures me to have to hide it, I still burn no less bright for you and everything you have brought into my life.
I will try to capture the mood of the day in a little sketch. Watercolour, or maybe ink… afterwards I will lie down on my bed and read Emma – maybe that can cheer me up.
I’m sorry that my letter today is so marked by self-pity and sadness. The notion that you deserve something more friendly won’t let go of me. But we promised to be honest with each other, to share everything as well we can. I promised you, in the darkness of the night and the safety of your embrace, I don’t want to shirk from that promise now. And so, I write to you today of my sadness, my despair and – as always – my boundless yearning for you. I hope you are having a more beautiful day. Maybe there’s even sunshine where you are. I can’t imagine that it could ever rain wherever you dwell.
P.S.: Have you gotten started on Pride and Prejudice already? I’m so eager to hear your thoughts!
© Severin Buchenau 2022-05-21