1: I AM GUILTY!!!

That Friday morning, I woke up knowing something was going to happen. Although I was not sure of what exactly it would be, I was willing to go through the day, ready for what would come.

You know those days in our lives when we wake up feeling uneasy, the feeling that something is definitely going to happen before the day embraces the darkness?

It was 10 o’clock in the morning and I had already drunk three cups of camomile tea. Usually, I take this type of tea when I feel anxious and I need it to calm me down. Even up to the fourth cup, I still felt the same way. I began pacing in my room, practising yoga at a point, playing music when all of my options failed, and finally going in the shower for a warm bath for as long as it took to calm me down.

Then I heard my phone ring again, and again, and again. The calls kept coming in, but I decided to stay in the shower until I felt better. After twenty minutes of calm, I took my phone only to find out that Kevin had been calling. I was beginning to spend so much more time with him than I should, and the closer I got to him, the harder it was to avoid him. But there was something about Kevin that I just couldn’t resist.

I will simply say, he knew what a woman wanted and how to treat her. So, I wouldn’t call what I felt for Kevin love, but neither was it an infatuation or lust. He seemed to have just the answers I needed. It was like someone was reading my mind and determining my response even before it was put into play. He knew what to say, how to say it, and even when to say it.

I ignored him for days without picking up his calls or meeting with him. But the more I ignored those calls, the harder it was for me to do anything else, so I picked up probably after the twentieth call that morning. I knew he wasn’t good for me, but I just couldn’t help myself being around him. He played his cards right.

He wasn’t the forceful type, nor would he let his feelings be known. And yet, for me, that was the attraction. I just couldn’t help it. He had become a fantasy. What kept me from doing anything with him was that I had someone already. Guilty huh? Yh right, exactly how I felt. Let me ask a question. Have you ever given someone what you’ve never given to your partner?

Joe and I wanted to stay celibate. Even kissing was out of the question. But here I was helpless before a guy I had only known for less than a month. I had never felt that way before, not even with Joe when we first fell in love. All I did was think about Kevin, all day and all night. I wanted him close to me all the time. I enjoyed talking to him more than I did with anyone.

I felt guilty; it was my deepest regret. I felt dirty. I felt like being warned about my odd feelings in the morning, but I still gave in. It was no longer a dream or a fantasy…

I woke up on Saturday and realized how vulnerable I was. I cried. I beat myself up. I couldn’t help but call myself a weak fool and a terrible CHEAT… I’ll spill out details later, but just know that it’s been two years already, and today I laugh about it.