17. Funny Things

I’m standing by the gate, wondering how the gate of heaven looks like. Hopefully much more beautiful than the gates of this graveyard. It looks like a prison gate, like someone doing time there would actually want to get out. „Don’t worry, the dead won’t break out“, I think to myself, smiling.

I pick the thorns from my three red roses whilst I wait for Jere. Normally, I am very upset coming here, because I feel like my whole life lies dead here.

But not today. Today I called Jeremy to tell him that I will not be at work as early as usual and he said that he would love to come with me, if that’s fine with me. Funny thing, his mum lies here too.

It’s six o’clock when his SUV drives in the parking lot in front of the gate. Another funny thing, his car and his eyes share the same colour. He steps out and walks up to me. I hug him and he hugs me back. The Jeremy-Bianchi, I call it, the greatest thing he created and the realest thing I ever got to wrap my arms around. His hug, I mean.

„Hey“, he says. „Hi“, I respond. „Those are really pretty“, he points to the roses as we start walking, „Are they for your grandmother?“ We are just past the gate, when I say: „Well, one is, the others are for Emmett and your mother.“ I hand him the one rose, but he doesn’t stand next to me any more. Fear strucks me like lightning and I turn around. There he stands a few feet away with that wrinkle of worry between his eyes. His index finger gently points at me as he asks: „Didn’t you say your fiancé… – ex-fiance was Emmett?“ I walk up to him, now only a few inches are between us: „Well, yeah. „What’s wrong, Jere?“ „Who’s your best friend then?“ he asks. „Um… also Emmett…“, I answer. Did I really express myself in such a confusing way? I guess I owe him an apology. But before I can say something, he asks away: „So they are both dead?“ „No, Jeremy, they are the same person… I’m sorry that I didn’t make myself clear.“ He looks up and says: „No, no. What the fuck? Don’t apologise, you’re the one who lost them and you don’t fucking deserve that. I feel sorry. I feel so sorry, okay?“ „Okay“, I answer softly and I can’t help myself to gently smile at him.

We walk in silence for a while. When we get to my grandma’s grave, he asks me what I miss most about her and lose myself in my favourite memories of her. When we get to his mum’s grave, I ask him how much he misses her and he starts listing all the things he does in the day, because she is there in everything.

When we come to Emmett’s grave, I see him struggle to say something. I put the rose in front of his gravestone and then I say: „You know what joke always pops in my head when I’m here?“ He shakes his head. I stand next to him and tell him: „What does a liar do when he’s dead? … He lies still.“ I feel him looking at me, but I can’t. A tear slipping from my eyes. „Isn’t that a little harsh?“, he asks hesitantly. I scoff: „He took his life, Jere. He took his life even though he knew that I was thinking about doing that too. That was harsh of him, okay?“ I turn to him and he catches me in a hug. Tears make his shirt wet and I tremble, but he holds me until the last of those tears have run away.