About Desire

Real desire is more than an impulse. Unpredictable like the ocean, mighty as waves building themselves up and high to a wall of water, desire is a force within human nature, as maritime currents are a force of the planet. Stronger on some days than on others, more passionate this time of year, less in another. Desire is longing. A wish, a need, the kind of thirst that is not satisfied by just anything. For all of humankind, it has more than one mere face. Academic accomplishments for A. Romantic ideas come true for B. Entrepreneurial success for C. A genuine commitment from that one person for me. While going on with my day and life and work and chores, I implement elements of leisure and time for myself.

In both areas, my mind wanders, my mind wonders.

Observing others. Imagining what life will be like in five to seven years. Who will I be sitting in the car with, on a road trip, driving and performing not beautifully but with a passion and a library of lyrics in my head? Who will I be taking pictures with at a wedding? Who will I be staying at home with, preparing a delicious dinner and snacks for another series while my fine playlists are on in the kitchen? On some days, all this does not strike a nerve. With all day to day activities and phases of stress, my thoughts are occupied with urgent tasks and to-dos, setting reminders due to my impressively fast deteriorating memory and trying to get things done.

But desire is not shut off, it is only put on snooze. Truly worthwhile wishes, longings for specific dreams and visions to come true that are outlasting all other fading short-term desires, stay. Glued against the wall inside the back of the head, trying to make their way to the front, in a slalom, trying to move past everything that stands in the way. Laying low when the mind is busy, sprinting towards the surface in moments of silence and clarity, when alone, when going for a walk, when watching a movie, when going to sleep. Trying to picture what I long for the most. The burning urge to find out, sneak a peek, get just one realistic glance into the future of what might and will be. Desire is ambitious, focused. Indulging in these thoughts means my refusing to waste time in the present and near future. Refusing to take any step that does not lead closer to realizing these scenes from a possible future. Refusing to spend words, moments, energy and love on people and projects that are not matching with what I desire.

I desire a bond, an unmatched connection. I desire humor, uncontrollable laughter and bouncing off of each other, driving it further and further. I desire taking care of each other, being a rock and caretaker for the other, hopefully only late in life, but as soon as needed. Reliance and commitment, kindness and comfort. Ease and peace. My desire is softness, my desire is a forever thing.