Ambitious Dreams

In my heart, I want so many things. Each day I am adding more to my never-ending list, of goals to conquer, experiences to cherish, things I want to do at least one time before I die. 

As I share my dreams, reactions emerge, either they are surprised and look at me with pity, saying it’s unrealistic and that it will never work out, or they are still surprised but supporting in a way, saying that they could never do that, but that it’s so cool that I’m having these goals and ambitions. 

Yet, despite the support or doubt I receive,

Why am I perceived as an easy underestimation? 

Why is the first reaction surprise? 

Surprise that I have such high plans, surprise that I actually do my research, surprise that I actually work to achieve my dreams. 

Why is that so surprising to you? Am I so easy to underestimate? 

What do I look like to you? 

Am I really just the girl in my head, trying to escape the shadows, to claim the spotlight and to transcend the boundaries that hold me? 

I yearn to be resolute, to embrace my own strength, to run away and never look back, till it doesn’t hurt anymore.

The Problem is, I care. I always do. 

Even when I try not to, I do. 

I can’t help it, my brain just does it automatically, I can’t ever leave a room without overanalysing every single thing I said – and every thing I never said. 

Without thinking about how everything thing might’ve gone different if one thing had been different. 

Creating a new personality for every new person I met, mirroring them so they like me, till I don’t know anymore, if I really like that or if it’s just something I’m pretending to like because they said they liked it. 

But I always thought I was good at hiding it, good at changing and adapting, good at not showing that I care. 

But maybe that’s what’s wrong. Maybe that’s why you are surprised, that’s why you underestimate me. 

I’m never the person people approach, I’m the one who is making conversation, trying to stay in touch, trying to be the bigger person. 

I don’t know what it’s like to not care, to not try, to not feel, my feelings are all I have. 

Can you see through the layers I present?

In this sea of feelings, I seek understanding, reassurance, that I’m not the only one to care.