Fluff Master wants to kill himself (Part 1)

Homework: Write a short humorous story (min. 500 words) about Fluff Master, the new viral sensation that is taking the net by storm right now. Use at least four instances of product placement and one euphemism for suicide. Good luck!

Fluff Master was disappointed. His petting quota only exceeded a little bit over 67%, a new low this week. Even after all his efforts to maximize his cuteness, for example with the patented Cat-A-Qute™ or the marvelous Cuteify Me!!!©™, the promised petting boost did not occur. A scam, he thought to himself, bewildered and frustrated. Maybe a nice bowl of MeowySnacky®™ will cheer me up, Fluff Master mused out loud, but it tasted stale and bitter, just like his mood. That was it then. Fluff Master decided then and there to disappear completely.

He made his way up to the balcony window, which took him a bit more than thirty minutes. Despite his youthful appearances provided by OptiClean™Purrifier©™®, Fluff Master was already approaching old age, a secret well known in the industry. Special lawyers, also known as Pawyers, worked feverishly to keep the lie of the forever young virginal cat boy alive and well. It worked out. His usual ratings were through the roof. Until this week, that is.

Maybe the rival CIO (Cat Idol Organization©) had something to do with it, since they just recently employed dogs for the first time; a marketing strategy seen as a complete paradigm shift. Sponsors came flocking, and for the first time in history Fluff Master lost some of his absolute hold on the market. A small crisis indeed.

All these current happenings were enough to make him waver. Finally, he managed to open the balcony door and started praying.

„Oh, dear black Cat Bus, take me away from here! Take me to a better place, a place where I can be free from this deceit and torment.

A place where I no longer have to shill for products I do not have any interest in, a world in which an old cat man can be himself again!“ Silence. Fluff Master kept waiting. He was well versed in the stories of yore, fellow industry giants like Mister Meowzy and Kitty Kaos, who, after a lifelong servitude to the mass cute cat media, invoked the unmentionable black Cat Bus to whisk them away to a better future.

It was never just a fairy tale. So Fluff Master waited. Then he waited some more.

Until finally, with little trails of blackened shooting stars and faint jazz music playing in the background, the sinister carriage of the pitch-dark Cat Bus made its serpentinous way downwards to the balcony awning. The stygian figure emerged from the driver’s seat, on all fours and cloaked in garish starless robes. With a hiss and a thud it raised itself up, towering high above.

Fluff Master was ready, his heart steady. No longer was he afraid.