Kintsugi

“If strength is born from heartbreak, then mountains i could move” – Rise against – Drones

“There is a crack, a crack in everything/That’s how the light gets in.” – Leonhard Cohen – Anthem

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry.” – Ernest Hemingway – A Farewell to Arms

Also, I heard, in martial arts training they hit against hard objects to harden the bones. This is achieved by all the micro-fractures in the bones that grow together again with additional bone tissue on the inside, which supports the stability of the bone-structure.

Kintsugi is the art of mending broken pottery with gold, transforming something most would dispose of into something of beauty.

So, yes, strength comes from heartbreak … but you have to survive for that, and survival doesn’t come from denial but from facing the facts and basing your actions on those very facts. Running away from pain is natural, but don’t think you can outrun pain – sooner or later it will get you, so better face it sooner than later. Even a bird breaks the protective eggshell to live, otherwise it will die of starvation and asphyxiation. I know this very well, because I lived inside multiple shells in different phases of my life and hid from many pains – it never did me any good, there has always been just the illusion of safety that kept me rooted on the spot.

There has been a moment in my recent history when a deep, deep and very painful break occurred in my heart. I was devastated, destroyed, betrayed, stabbed in the back, ripped open and left lying to rot. I wanted to run, destroy, hide, strike out, scream, even end everything and leave for the other end of the world. I didn’t.

I did the one thing everyone called stupid and self-destructive – and now, when I tell the story to others, most still call it stupid and self-destructive, but in the same breath, they admire and look up to me and call me a strong and upright person. And I really feel that way, because I am proud of having done what I have done, that I stayed true to my word and beliefs, although I knew it would be hard and painful and would consume much of my time and energy. But it was the right thing to do and the only way I could keep looking myself in the eyes in the mirror, and it is worth all the pain and the tears and the nights full of doubt if I really can see this through. I feel like a better me, like someone who can take a beating and walk away from it, broken for the moment, but stronger for eternity.

I’m starting to cry writing these lines, because I remember all I had – and wanted – to endure in that time and thinking of all the things waiting for me in the future that may break me again … but at least now I know I can take on a fight like that and stand.

I CAN move mountains, BECAUSE I have been heartbroken.