needs

For the longest time, I was able to look in your eyes, fully knowing what I did. Three months I went to your place to pick you up, knowing I will never love you. I visited you, bought you a drink made you compliments because you wanted to heat them. All the love and all the appreciation, July, believe it wasn´t fake. I wanted to make you feel your best. I missed you when you were gone, I really did but it didn´t stop me from sleeping with Emilia that Holiday. It was an accident I hooked up with Sophie. You were still so important to me. You had a nice flat, it was quite centered I was able to walk home at three in the morning without the fear of being stabbed. Every night I would watch you oil your hair and then putting them into that scarf of yours. Then you would join me on the sofa an lay in my lap for an hour or two before you told me you were tired, and we went to bed. Then you told me all the stories about your friends and your enemies. How you didn’t get the exhibition at the city hall and you cried in a supermarket after. You told me about your brother’s fiancé and how much you love his Lasagna and how happy he makes your brother and how much you love and miss him but you cannot see him for the next eight months since he is in Africa.

You see, July? I remember it all. All your worries and love for your people. I remember your planets. Your Stars as they shine so bright in your story. You talk with an incomparable flow. With you it all felt beautiful. It felt simple. It felt… empty.

Months on end, we spent our time like there was no yesterday and no tomorrow. „You can trust me, I’m here for you.“ I didn’t even thank you for that. You held me when I felt like my future would fall apart and even if I never told you what really happened, you didn´t mind you were just there and held me. I never cried. Not even for a moment. I wish that I´d be the person that really gets with you in the end, I really wish I could give you what you deserve. But I can´t… I… you need way more. My humble self, princess, is not suiting for your majesty. This is not a form of self pitty, I don’t want to change. My life is good as it is, it´s just not the same. We don´t match and you couldn´t get that into your head, I don´t judge you, you did nothing wrong. I lead you on. I have to admit it, I lead you on and I have never been more sorry.

It’s that I wanted you. I wanted you so badly, but I didn’t need you.