6 Me Without You

My heart felt so empty and ached tremendously at the same time. Even though my love for you filled me so immensely, it wasn’t enough for me to love you wholeheartedly from afar. I felt your absence every single day, hour and second. It was easier to say that I missed you always. How many nights did I have to pass to see you? To meet you? I wanted to go to the other side of earth, hold your hand, put an end to winter.
I couldn’t endure one more moment without your actual presence. I cried nearly every time I pictured you in front of me. I suffered more than before. It was also too late to give up because I’d lose you. Many might say that I should’ve been content with the fact that I loved you. And yes, loving you was the most insane feeling in this world. And I knew I didn’t even deserve to love you and ever be loved by you. But even in those days when I felt invisible, you seemed too unreachable and out of this world, my heart understood that your heart belonged to mine. Everything happened for a reason, it was destiny. You couldn’t just come into my life, make me feel special, save me and then leave in order to break me entirely. Right?
The day I realized I lost you was the worst day I had to go through. I felt the most agonizing pain that would’ve been possible inside a human heart. The moment I was most afraid of came. It felt like my heart was taken away by you and there was only a terribly negative, black and ugly hole inside my chest. At the same time, my heart burnt so strongly and it beat so fast, yet rhythmically, that I thought I was about to die without a doubt. My deepest fear I’d tried to hide inside my amygdala, since the moment I’d fallen in love with you, became reality, and that was being convinced that you’d love somebody who was not me. I literally went through hell.
I became aware of the fact that if you’d surely be gone and leave me, I’d have two options. Either choosing to die as soon as possible, or waiting for my death.
If I chose to die, then all my incredibly surreal efforts to stay alive for you would’ve been for nothing. I would’ve suffered and survived for nothing, especially since “you” happened. Despite my love for you, you’d never get to know my name.
And waiting for my death would mean to erase you not only from my memories but also from my heart. Impossible – trying to forget you and everything that reminded me of you, and that was everything that made me happy. Why? Because you were the only reason why I genuinely smiled and if you’d be gone, every little beautiful thing in my life would be gone too. Then what would be the point of living? You’d just take my heart away from me, and I’d be as good as a dead body, without my own personal oxygen. Wasn’t it crazy that every single dream of mine actually led to you? And that if you decided to be with someone else, my life would be over? Why? All of this wasn’t my decision. Yet still, you had an immense amount of power and control over me that made me lose my mind, it freaked me out. It was my life, but my heart was yours, so you could do whatever you wanted with it. Even if you’d break it, it’d still be yours and if I could, I’d give you millions of other hearts of mine too, and you’d still be allowed to break them all.
Afterall, it was just a stupid, terrifying rumor that broke my heart entirely and intensified my fears. I thought it was my end, but it wasn’t, because I loved you too much. “We” couldn’t be over so fast. I’d have to meet you, my love.