Chapter 12: Everything Is Lost

“That’s why we find those questions we ask young children—‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’—so inspiring. We believe their answers because they haven’t been told yet what’s possible or worthwhile. They’re the true masters of good choices.”

“Hahaha, tell that to a parent who finds their kid squeezing their poop or sticking their fingers in the electrical socket.”

“Laugh if you want, but they’re not yet corrupted by our rules and standards.”

“I get it, but you have to admit that some rules are necessary. Otherwise, they’d sleep as long as they want, stay home, and never go to school.”

“Maybe there’s a hidden truth there, too. Why don’t we question these rules if they don’t work for our kids? Why do we keep pushing ourselves to do better, to strive harder? It’s society again. Their choice is to live in the present moment as best they can. They have the privilege to just exist, which we’ve lost. So if you had that privilege and no worries, what would you do today?”

“So you’re saying we should all forget about discipline, lie on the sofa, and maybe smoke some weed?”

“That smoking is a form of surrendered protest, part of the problem—a crust over the wound our society created. Just like our drinking, smartphones, self-help, and other drugs. Discipline shouldn’t feel like forcing yourself to do something, which is how we usually think of it. Instead, it’s about testing the waters to see what works and what doesn’t.”

“What does that even mean—‘testing the waters’? Don’t tests always come with expectations?”

“Test them right here, right now, under the present circumstances—not based on yesterday or what you imagine for the future.”

“So how do you avoid making the same mistake?”

“Mistakes need context, and the context will always be different. We keep making the same mistake when we cling to expectations. I know it’s a double-edged sword, but if you have no expectations, that doesn’t just mean you expect the best. It means embracing the possibility that the best may not come. You need to be able to embrace fear again to do this—not the comfortable fear that people use as an excuse to do nothing, but the raw feeling of the possibility of loss. Maybe I won’t find that damn key in the same place. Maybe I won’t find it at all, and this time it’s really lost. And then you realize, everything is already lost, even this moment. So you find comfort in that pain and accept whichever outcome may come. This doesn’t mean you’ll be happy with any outcome, but you can accept it as it is. You won’t go out into the world with a bag of anxieties because you’ve already accepted them.”

“That sounds like expecting the worst. It’s still an expectation. I still believe expectations can be helpful. They help us develop both trust and vigilance.”