COURAGE

You press into the soft, white middle of a slice of Brennan’s bread before you pop it into the toaster. You’re about to bite into it when Opa reaches out for you and Oma and, after quickly wiping the crumbs from your fingers, you hold hands while he says grace. You quietly sing along but go silent before ‘Amen’. He looks up at you through his good eye while hunched over the round wooden table of your childhood memories. “A-?” You smile at him. “A-?” Oma rubs his hand placatingly and says “-men” and “There you go, dear” after loudly cutting a slice of toast into triangles and pushing his breakfast towards him. He hasn’t stopped looking at you and repeats himself. “A-?” Eventually you say it and peace returns to the kitchen.

Thinking of moments like these, it recently occurred to me that you have a deep fear of Judgement Day. You’re so afraid that there is a right way to do life and that you’ll be punished by God, by sickness, or by low vibe manifestations for getting it wrong. You don’t even believe in GOD and yet you’re so afraid that someone else knows better than you what is right that it drives you into the arms of abuse and a 8-of-10-signs-say-it’s-a-cult training (sadly comes only with gaslighting and without cool rituals or costumes).

When you join the group and hear what they believe, you ask yourself “What am I doing here?” within the first two hours. But you don’t trust what makes you google “signs I’m in a cult” more than once. For two years, you push through the feeling that these people and their beliefs aren’t good for you and you hope for a greater truth to reveal itself. “This doesn’t feel good” is never the truth that matters.

One aspect of cult logic that even Houdini would have difficulty escaping from is that if they claim to know the Truth about getting life right, then what does that say about you when you want to leave? That’s why, when I finally decide to cut ties with them, they pull me back in with the threat that I’m not accepting the universe’s challenge for me. What if they’re right? Finally, I tell them that my challenge isn’t to endure but to learn to listen when something doesn’t feel good. The only response they have is to pity me for getting what’s right for me so wrong.

Questions are powerful things and how you respond to them can change the trajectory of your entire life. You see, when you don’t feel good, you’re still asking yourself “What’s wrong with me?” But when your answer to the question “What am I still doing here?” is to trust that you and your soul aren’t misunderstanding each other when it comes to what’s right or wrong for you?

It means that when you hear “A-?”, you don’t say “-men”, but you have the courage to trust that it’s right for you to get up and leave …

…the room.

…the situation.

…the conversation.

…the relationship.