Discovering my body

The one about sex at 21

In the midst of the lush jungle of Panama, I found my 21-year-old self in a hostel, wrapped in the embrace of a man whose name I barely knew. He was on top of me, kissing me passionately and whispering sweet things into my ears. I couldn’t help but feel a nervous giggle escape my lips. It was a surreal moment that I never thought I would experience, but I remember feeling so proud of my otherwise shy self for taking a chance to explore intimacy and sex with a total stranger. Gleefully, thinking that the “hard part of making the move” was over, I was just about to relax into this encounter when the man looked at me through long eyelashes and asked “So what do you like in bed babe? Tell me what you like!”. One single question and demand propelled the reality of my inexperience in the bedroom to come crashing down upon me. How could I possibly tell this stranger that I had no idea what I liked in bed? That I had never touched myself, let alone had an orgasm before? It was a daunting thought to share this openly with him, one that left me feeling vulnerable and exposed.

I remember thinking that talking about sex is difficult and requires a lot of trust – something you clearly can’t have when you’ve just met. But then, I realized that what had thrown me off even more, was what the question inevitably also highlighted: That not one guy had taken the time to ask about my needs and my pleasure before. So I gathered all the courage I could find, took a deep breath and revealed the little I knew, and the whole other lot I didn’t and, to my surprise, he was understanding and patient. It was a moment of growth for me, one that pushed me out of my comfort zone and into uncharted territory. It was even the best sex I had had in a long time, all thanks to honest communication. Which should be the norm, not the exception. 

I left the next morning with a newfound sense of self-awareness and desire to embark on an exploration of my own body in all its depths and nuances. They say that exploring the body of a lover is akin to discovering an uncharted land, a territory without boundaries. This is not something that can be accomplished all at once, but rather requires a slow and patient journey. At 21, I was determined to start with my own body first. At 26, it’s a journey I am still on, but one that I am embracing with open arms. Along the way, as I wander through gentle hills and verdant pastures, I get lost in hidden corners and quiet crevices and take the time to notice all the little changes that mark the passing of time. And I smile as I am able to invoke pleasure from the tip of my fingers.