how to unwrap all the layers

(Continuation of “the layers around our true self”)

These protection mechanisms literally saved my life back then when they first came up. I already spoke about my inner experience with the whole lockdown situation. If I hadn’t cut myself off completely from my body and feelings, I am pretty sure I would’ve gotten insane and lost in deep depression or in panic attacks. It was pure intelligence from my body to protect me from this and right now I am really thankful for this. Who knows if I would have ever fully recovered from it otherwise? Now that I got myself back together, this mechanisms are not suitable and helpful anymore. It keeps me cut off from feeling the good emotions deeply too.

I recognized that I am disconnected from the ability of feeling it all when I tried to do some embodiment work. It always started quite well, but at some point I just felt numbness and wasn’t able to get closer to or deeper into my emotions. But that is okay. I now know that this ability saved me at some point. And it just wanted to protect me. It gave me some kind of control in a time where I felt completely powerless.

Often, we see what we can’t or miss in our lives and try to start healing this pattern. And then we get frustrated because we can’t – in my case opening up and not closing and pushing people away when there is pain (and right now there is so much pain in the world). I know that many of you – even if it comes through different pain – have the longing for intimacy and true connection with others but are not able to have a breakthrough there. It is because we have to deal with the layers that have built around it first. Remember the Russian doll. For me, for example, the outermost layer is numbness, anger and frustration. I get so frustrated when I am sitting down to do the work, and then actually not being able to feel the emotions I want to liberate. It feels so alchemizing to finally know why it is like this. That there is nothing wrong with me. That in fact I am still able to get to the core. That it is still possible to heal all of it again.

So, I have to sit with the outer layers first. It is about showing up and just be there with it. Feeling and not judging whatever arises. And when there is only numbness and frustration about this – then be with that. There is so much healing happening right there. It will take time to gain back the trust of my body, to show her that this time I won’t go away, I won’t abandon her anymore. So she starts to feel safe to feel through these layers.

And eventually she will feel safe to open up and stay open. Even if there will be more pain hitting in this lifetime. I will be able to stay open-hearted and in deep connection with others no matter what.And I think this is the only way for us humans to end all the pain happening on earth.