Obedient Asian girl

Sweaty palms, tears pooling in my eyes and streaming down my face, fear of saying the wrong things and fear of getting hurt as a consequence. Those are the emotions I go through almost every day of the week for four years doing homework with father. Mother minding her business in the kitchen, cooking dinner. Sometimes she would step in and tell him not to hit me “too hard”. Nicely done, mother. I remember my little sister looking like she was about to cry, touching the bruise he left on my forehead when he hit me with a pen. Of course, just the dull side of it. He’s not a monster. That one centimeter-sized red bruise is forever captured in fourth grades’ class photo.

Mother always tells me to keep family issues a secret, because “What would the people think of us?”. Of course, me as the obedient Asian daughter, I don’t want our family to reflect badly on other people, so we all kept quiet. The perfect happy family image is preserved. I’ve always loved watching romcoms, asking myself why my parents aren’t like that. “Love like that exists just in movies.” mother always says. In reality husbands cheat, get angry when caught cheating, never buy gifts or flowers and never say “I love you”.

My first relationship. Suddenly romcoms are not that unrealistic anymore. “I got a good one.” my sixteen-year-old self thought. Flash forward nine years and I’m on the verge of crashing my car into a wall at fullspeed. I kept our family issues a secret as a child, I also kept my relationship issues a secret. I did not want to damage his image of course. Obedient Asian girl.

At least he is not hitting me. At least he is not cheating on me. He is not like my father.

Constantly liking pictures of half-naked women on Instagram, but I just need to get fit and skinny. I’m sure he will do it less. Constantly talking about beautiful women he sees at work or at the gym with his friends. It’s because I have put on a lot of weight in the last few years. I should be more consistent in working out.

Maybe if I sleep with him a lot, he will love me more, even when it hurts for me or I don’t really want to. I’m sure he will love me more. Don’t push him off of you, when he forces himself onto you in the morning. He is just trying to love you. It’s not rape. You were just naked and woke up minutes ago. It was convenience. Although be sure to make your brain forget. Might be too traumatizing. Just remember years after. A court case would be bad for his image.

“Me too!” she tells me crying. “When I was 10.” A child left in the safety of her brothers. But they grew up together. I’m sure he did not want to hurt his little sister. He is so successful and ambitious. Loved by everybody. I’m sure his little sister and I took it the wrong way.

She is married now. The pictures are gorgeous. Especially where she poses with her brothers. The good one and him. Forgiven.