Prologue To God’s Child

If someone would ask me 2 years later, if anything changed, I would not answer. I still do not kill spiders, do not eat Pho Soup anymore and every time I see a lime, I turn away. Love kills. Love kills the ones who cannot handle it. Kills those people who frame. Humans who are destined to decide a person’s beauty by looking at them. How big or small their hips are or the clothes they wear. The lack of capability to understand the energy or the power of other people – when they talk, verbally or with their eyes. Love is bonding, understanding each other with one look. Comfort. Being able to open up and show each part of yourself, with the hope no one is going to run away. If they do, close the door behind them. Orange juice, carrot and lemon. 30 minutes walk loving yourself and the moment you see him, your confidence gets triggered. Prejudice, observation and rejection. Because you will never feel yourself good enough for him. It does not matter how many men admire you or want to be with you. The way he percepts, it differs from your world. You are a specie to him. Something that he has never seen before. Special, weird, the kind that does not run away when things get hard. The moment he realizes this, you’re lost. 

I thought a lot about him today. Nothing else but with pain. I remember when I prayed, he was always included. He always made me think about happiness. What is happiness and what does it mean to be truly content? One could answer: Happiness is for me sitting in the terrace and feeling the wind in my face, smelling the aloe vera scent creme I used 10 minutes ago. Another one would say: the muscle tension relieve after yoga or the Bolognese I did last night. We could get a thousand of answers, because as we feared, there is no answer to it. There is no antidote, no medicament for chaos or no recipe on how to love yourself. Let alone, a recipe on how to find happiness. A lot say, happiness start within you. Wrong. It does not. We are all creatures who are part of a journey, filled by circumstances and decisions we do not even take voluntarily. We just have no choice. Biased, full of prejudice and hate, we walk everyday through some streets we forgot how they look like, even though we see them twice a day. Empty, no realization or perception. In a bubble, seeking for love. Not for a human, but also a cup of coffee. Which in the end, turns out to be cold and bitter. That cup of coffee turns out to be a disappointment and you end up regretting on the time you spent on it. And then my friend, you forget that that coffee was hot already. The lack of effort, the waiting. Probably you chose to go shower and you forgot you made it. Whatever reason there might be, now is cold. Bitter, because you chose not put sugar so you do not gain weight. There is an answer to everything – like a boomerang. Nevertheless, you still seek for love.