Seventeen years (part II)

My sandwich wasn’t good today. I made it in the morning but now it looks like a wet mess of I don’t know what. The jam has become one with the bread. Disgusting! Not what I need now. Hungry and in a mad mood, I go back to class before the lesson starts. I have three more lessons today. My history teacher tells us something about the constitution of the USA. Nothing new for me but I’m here and don’t want to go to the principal because I fell asleep during class. It is exactly what I feel at the moment. My stomach grumbles. The others look at me. They whisper with their neighbours. I start to feel the heat in my cheeks. I hate myself for reacting like this when something embarrassing happens to me. I start to sweat and I can feel the tears filling up my eyes. Don’t cry. You are just hungry. It isn’t bad. The others do not count. I don’t care about them… The tears disappear. I was just able to hold that back. I embarrassed myself enough. I really wish nobody noticed my struggles. To be honest, everybody saw it.

I can’t take it any more. I lift my hand and ask my teacher: “Mister Bowy, can I go to the bathroom please? I don’t feel good.“ He turns his head to me and nods, saying: “Do you want a classmate to come with you?“ “No, I don’t need anyone.“ I stand up and leave the classroom. Luckily Mr. Bowy hasn’t got the depth of my words. I don’t need anyone. I not only meant it for now but for every time. No one! I get the toilets and close the door of my cabin. In moments like this, I wish I could go out in the rain and dance until nothing’s there to make me small. I sit down on the floor with my legs bent and my arms around them. My eyes are closed. Breath! Suddenly, I hear steps coming closer to me. Well… Nothing unusual. Certainly someone who has to go to the toilet. The door opens with its familiar sound. Somebody walks in. I’m in the last of the eight cabins, so whoever it is probably doesn’t take notice of me. The steps get slower. The person still isn’t in a cabin. She can only be one cabin before mine, but still gets closer. Carefully, it knocks right at the door, my back leans on. “Claire, is everything okay with you?“ I’m shocked. Never ever before someone followed me after my struggles. I don’t know how to handle this situation. Undoubtedly, one of my classmates worries about me. How could it be? How could my lonesome existence end here? Who the hell stands in front of my cabin, knocking at the door? “Claire? Honestly, do you need anything?“ What is happening here? I think what to say… “Eh… No, thanks. I’m fine, I guess. Just needed to get out of the class. You can go back – if you want.“ I feel like I’ve never communicated before. I mean, whoever is with me, here in the restroom, seems to be interested in me. I don’t know if I like it. Someone nearly breaks through my surface. “Eh, okay. I thought you could need help. Your face looked like a ghost when you left the room. Is everything really okay with you? You can trust me.“

Where does this lead to? Is whoever trying to understand my problems and wants me as a friend? Last time I thought I’d have a friend was in primary school but this ended in many nights with tears and makes me the ‘emotionless‘ Claire, according to my parents. Should I really go this big step now? What if it’s not only the next person who will betray me and who will cause a lot of tears? OK. I do it. I open the door to my mind but first I need to open the door of my cabin.