the first

I always felt like I had to save myself for this one special person that will come into my life someday. The wonderful fairytale prince like you get to see in all the Disney movies. As I got older it turned out to be a whole lot of bullshit, because the real world is not at all like in fairytale movies. For myself I still decided to wait for a person with whom it will feel right with. A person who deserves my love and affection and most importantly a person who I can experience my firsts with. Without them judging me or being forced.

There were people in my life where I knew I couldn’t bare to do this with beforehand. I still tried to change my mind and just go with it, but I never did. It didn’t matter how hard I had crushed on them. It was never love and they never meant as much to me as this one person in my graduation year. And I really thought me finding this person was faith. For the first time I could see a future with them and for the first time it didn’t feel too soon or wrong to give them every form of love hidden inside me. And it was beautiful.

I never thought I would fall this hard for a boy. In my head it seemed easier to fall in love with a girl, because there are many bad things about the male gender. But then this boy showed up and I didn’t take our get-to-know phase seriously. I thought he would just appear in my life and not be that important. But I thought wrong. He became very important and as of now I can say he was my first real love. I’ve never been in love before and I knew that, but when I eventually fell for him, it still hit me like a train. Love is hard to explain. I was nervous he would just play me, but he didn’t. I was nervous he would use me or force me into stuff I didn’t want, but he didn’t. He was different and at the same time so familiar. That was what eventually changed my frame of mind from “I’m not interested and I don’t care about him.” to “I want to know more about this boy.” and that change turned out to be the start of our relationship.

Then we started dating. We had seen each other once, but it was just perfect. And yes, maybe it was fast, but we didn’t care. I’ve had my first kiss years before with a different guy, but this time it felt different. I felt appreciated and that meant a lot to me. His touch and his kisses felt warm and respectful. I was nervous to give him consent at first, but it felt so right and passionate. So I conceded.

The second thing I was nervous about was giving him consent for my entire body. He was always respectful though and didn’t push me. He waited patiently for me to tell him that I was ready. Once we almost did “it”…but I started to feel anxious and overwhelmed. We ended up cuddling and watching the stars while he softly sang to me. That was lovely. I expected him to be disappointed and angry, but he wasn’t. He didn’t act the way I thought he would, the way I had experienced with other guys before him. No, he told me it was alright and that there was no rush. So when I was ready I gave my all to him and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world with the best boyfriend you could wish for.