Tunde’s Ghostly Goat Adventure

Tunde Balogun was having the worst month of his life. First, his ex got married in a ceremony that summoned actual ghosts. Then he’d been turned into a goat for three excruciating days (a trauma he’d take to his grave). And now? Now his aunt’s ghost wouldn’t stop haunting his flat. Tunde! Is this how you live? The spectral woman floated over his kitchen wall, wrinkling her nose at the pile of dirty dishes. No wonder Iradat left you! Tunde groaned, shoving another forkful of cold Indomie into his mouth. Aunty, abeg, I was literally a goat last week. Give me peace. His plea was interrupted by an ungodly sound: BAAAH! A glowing white goat materialized in his living room, chewing on his favourite throw pillow with eerie precision. Its eyes burned amber, just like that damned cat kiki. “Oh no,” Tunde whispered, noodles dangling from his lips. Not again. The goat swallowed his pillow whole and spoke in a voice like grinding stones: Tunde omo Balogun. You have been chosen. 

What followed was the most bizarre night of Tunde’s life. The ghost goat, who called himself Egbon, dragged him through Lagos’ supernatural underbelly a nightclub where dead Nollywood actors danced to Rema, a seraph-owned pepper soup joint in Obalende, and finally to an abandoned cinema in Surulere where the walls whispered in forgotten dialects. “The poltergeist reaper has taken them” Egbon explained as they crept through the decaying theatre. “Ghosts are disappearing.” Tunde nearly tripped over a spectral film reel. “And you need me because…? “Because you’re already cursed,” the goat said simply. Might as well be useful. The revelation came when they found the trapped ghosts, including three of Tunde’s ancestors he’d never met, all chained to old cinema seats, their glow dimming as some unseen force drained their energy. And standing at the projector, feeding on their essence, was none other than Olori Adanna in a new designer outfit, a soul eater that feeds on spiritual energy. “Darling Tunde,” the demon purred, fangs glinting. I was wondering when my favourite goat would arrive. What happened next involved:  

Aunty Ashabi beat Olori with a spiritual slipper, Egbon headbutted the vampire with ghostly horns, Tunde fling hazel wood coated with salt and ginger which his cursed energy had been channelled onto the object that passed right into her.  Kiki appears in a burst of golden light to free the captive ghosts.  As Olori melted into the shadows, she left behind only her signature clutch purse and a chilling promise:” This isn’t over, goat boy. Back in his flat at dawn, Tunde collapsed onto his slime-covered couch. Egbon prepared to return to the spirit world with a satisfied nod. You did… adequately. 

Tunde groaned into a cushion. Does this mean I’m done with ghosts? Aunty Ashabi’s laugh echoed through the room. Child, this is just the beginning. The final insult came when his fridge door creaked open by itself. A tiny glowing hand reached out, snatched his last bottle of Fanta, and disappeared back into the appliance with a giggle.  Tunde stared at the spot where his drink had been. “I need to move countries.”  

Somewhere in the distance, a goat laughed.