whats a girl to do

, his soft lips against mines felt right it was now intense but I couldn’t stop thinking about Ezra I had to pull away it wasn’t right , I was just as worse as he was “ he looked at me with confusion I just stared down in disappointment, because I hated myself for what I just did

I felt like I betrayed Ezra he’s treated me so good and I can’t believe I just did that it may not mean something to me but I know it meant something to jace he was smiling the biggest smile I’ve ever seen , he never smiles not even when he’s with other girls so I guess it’s me who’s doing this “ even though it’s wrong I felt so good inside but I felt bad on the outside I just can’t shake this feeling I get when I’m with jace it’s like a everlasting feeling, and I know I’m also careful with people feelings but I’m not with theirs

and I don’t understand what I’m doing , it’s all so confusing I had to tell Jace to leave that I couldn’t see him anymore tonight because in my mind I felt overwhelmed with what just happened “ but really I just wanted to kiss him again and I couldn’t because it was a mistake but to him it was something he wanted to do since he first saw me again , as the rain patterned down on my window we had a luxury house with the see through windows so you can the rain as it’s coming down it was so beautiful too see , I got my books off the shelf they were all romantic maybe my books can guide me on things I should do because I don’t know how to handle this “ I got a text from Ezra who was supposed to be sleep by now “ hey are you available now “ I told him I’m actually really sleepy and can’t talk right now he understood but really I didn’t want to face him right now after what I just did it’s so weird looking at him knowing I just kissed jace

Chapter 9: Love hurts

I know that things between Ezra and me might be weird now especially knowing what I know and the way he treats me is so special and how could I have messed that up, by being stupid I kissed the one boy who I knew would mess everything up for me not only will I lose Ezra but then I would have to explain why I did that , but I don’t know why I was highly in the moment and it’s something about him that particular night I couldn’t resist , his stare had me so deep I was stuttering but I know I probably needed that moment with him everything in my life was so much better before I met either of them” now all I feel is regret and guilt every time I see them it’s not even worth all the trouble maybe phoebe was right , maybe I did need to stop this with both of them , but the thing is how can I do that when I’m already so far deep in it’s not even funny how stupid I feel knowing I actually sound and starting to act like Jace , Jace was the worst person to me and yet I feel like our connection is closer and that I will always feel something for him , no matter how hard I try to resist or run away from it “ he’s always there in my mind it’s like he has my whole heart stuck in one place , but that’s not what I want to think about