XII

It’s lovely when someone calls you darling or sweetheart every time. I imagine lying in bed in an old English house with the open terrace door and a breeze coming in letting the curtains dangling in the wind. I lay in Steve’s arms in my dreams way before anything of this ever becomes reality. But to be fair it’s not about this why I enjoy his company. We share the same experience working at the border of war. We can talk about this life here, that we both live. We talk about Ukraine, about refugees, about young people from Ukraine that became our friends. We talk about Tesco and how this place will follow us into our dreams at night, we laugh about things happening at Tesco and everyday we think we might be actually stuck in a soap not knowing it yet. It’s war and it’s horrible but yet sometimes things happen where we can’t help ourselves but laugh and almost cry in laughter. We share these beautiful moments and stories that we create. 

Like when an old man came to us almost crying because we accidentally handed him out a children’s blanket and he is trying to explain to us by gesture that he is a tall and big guy and needs big одеяло (odeyalo) and подушка (podushka). Or when Google Translate misunderstands Ukrainian and creates translations with a completely wrong meaning. Instead of getting annoyed, we flip the translation again, showing what kind of translation we got to have a good laugh with the refugees. Or when we talk to бабуся (babusya) — there are many — and listen to their whole life story after telling in Ukrainian for the third time that we don’t speak the language and just give up. At least once a day I smile after helping someone, and sometimes it’s just by being there and complimenting an old tattoo of a grandpa reminding him of different times proudly starting to tell his story. It’s about being there. It’s about being kind. To all. It’s about looking them into the eyes even though not speaking the same language and listening. It’s about helping when there is no energy left to do simple tasks. It’s about helping to find a new future. That starts rather in helping company than in despair.

I forbid myself thinking about Steve too much. I’m here to work and to help Ukrainian people, not myself. And I’m scared to get disappointed and that way being not fully strong enough anymore to work and be focused and be motivated. I try to be numb of feelings concerning Steve — just sticking to my game of a little flirt, fun and careless seduction. But this time I can’t help it but think about him every free moment and let my mind wander. We talk. We talk a lot about Tesco. About everything that is going on in this refugee center that might be not visible at first sight. It’s difficult. Many bad things are happening in this war. We talk about our life stories that we tell and how this huge meet-up of volunteers in a town like Przemyśl creates many more storylines.