10 Regret

“Regret?” The woman tried out the word. “Yes,” Marina repeated. “Do you have any?” “No.” That response had come too quickly. The woman lowered her gaze. Marina let the silence rest between them. The nothingness had become part of her existence now. But the mortals she walked with usually couldn´t bear it. The woman was no different. “I guess I could have had a better relationship with my kids,” she admitted after a while. “But it wasn´t my fault.” Marina led her along the darkness. “What happened?” she asked. “I didn´t do anything wrong!” the woman snapped. “I gave them everything. But they are just never grateful. They always make me feel like a bad mother!” Her speech sounded rehearsed, but Marina let her talk. “Every time I try to help, to give advice, all I get in return are hurt feelings.” “Yours or theirs?” The question escaped Marina. “What?” The woman looked up. “Were your feelings hurt or were their feelings hurt?” Marina rephrased. The woman shook her head. “Are you trying to insinuate something?” Marina smiled. “We don´t do that here.” She gestured around herself. “There is no reason for any pretence anymore. This path leads only in one direction and nothing you or I say will change that.”

The woman said: “I always told them they would only understand what they had in me once I was gone. They were never grateful.” Marina looked at her. “Why do you need them to be grateful?” It was the kind of question Death would ask Marina. She felt the same distance towards this woman that he probably felt towards all of humanity. It made the conversation easier. The woman cried. “Will they miss me?” she asked. Marina replied: “I don´t know. What do you think?”

“No.”

“Because they´re ungrateful?” Marina queried, her tone as frank as she could muster. “No, not because of that.” She appeared to crumble under the realization at the same time as her walls, carefully erected around her heart, shielding her from the truth with bricks of self-absorption and defensiveness. She went to her knees, buckling under the weight of it. “Of god!” she sobbed. “Oh god!” Marina went down next to her, softly stroking her back, until she had finished crying.

There was only one thing she could offer. “You know, I have spoken to countless mortals. And one thing they all have in common is that, in the end, they are able to forgive everyone else easily. It´s forgiving yourself that is hard.” She looked at the woman. “You thought you had done nothing wrong. Now it´s time to actually forgive.” The woman started sobbing again. “I can´t!” She bowed down further, her body no more than a small ball anymore. “I can´t!” Marina took her hand back. “Do you forgive them?” she asked. “There is nothing to forgive!” the woman cried. “Nothing. My babies! Oh god, my babies!” Her pain was real now. Raw. Unshielded.

Death appeared beside them. “It is time,” he announced. “Sorry!” Marina halted. The woman looked up at her. “I am so sorry!” Then death had reached her and she disappeared, leaving behind nothing but regret.