3 The brother

3 years, 6 months, 23 days, and 189 minutes: that’s what differs us from one another, according to our birth certificates. As per the felt pen marks on my parents’ kitchen wall, where they used to measure us as we grew up, it is exactly 4.7 inches. But these are not the only things that have always distinguished me from my sister.

If only I could be in her place! In terms of liveliness, strength and talent, courage and freedom. I used to wish for it a lot – was jealous of her from the start. To be honest, looking at her now, surrounded by this calm, I still am – although, suddenly, I have everything and she has nothing at all.

Suddenly, I have to take care of everything and she doesn’t have to care about anything at all. How could you, Lina? Just look at them: Mom, who can hardly look you in the eye and twitches whenever her gaze accidentally wanders your way. And Dad… He keeps staring at you, it’s me he is not facing anymore, and like myself, he’s probably secretly wishing I could be in your place. And what are you doing about it? Nothing at all!

I can’t do this, Lina! Haven’t the last few months been rough enough? You left me alone with them! Like when we were little and I had to take care of Mom whenever our Dad hit her. You pretended like nothing was wrong and accompanied him to the zoo or to the mall. Back then, Mom hardly left the bathroom, did you know that? In the last few weeks it was the bed, instead, but once more you haven’t seen any of that.

How could you be so selfish? I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for this! At least once in your life you could have acted normally. If you had been more like me, you would simply have remained unseen and, Lina: people who aren’t noticed by anyone won’t ever end up on the path that you were on.

All the people in here are staring. They are looking at me as if I finally have to act. Put a hand on Dad’s shoulder or give Mom a gentle hug. I can’t do it, though, and really it shouldn’t surprise anyone, because unlike you, I was never good at this, Lina. The many talents you have been blessed with, though, you threw away like it was nothing. Now I am standing before you on bright checkerboard tiles that give me cold feet and echo back the smallest footsteps, but it is silent, anyway. Neither you nor I will go anywhere ever again, just because you were the way you were.

Why could you not have been somebody else?