4 The mother

Wrong. It feels wrong. Everything – being here, surrounded by people, under their commiserating eyes, in this church, underneath the bright blue sky, on this earth – just feels wrong. Wake up! I’m begging you! Either you, my dear, or I: one of the two of us would be enough to end this nightmare and I promise, once it ends I will leave him! Because of the way he is circling you. Because of his voice when he softly talks to you and because of the things he says. I hate him! What a monster, this man!

What did I ever see in him? It was a different time, I tried to tell myself, and I was young, naive and innocent. Lonely I was, and he: he was the only one around, and me: pregnant shortly thereafter. Is this reason enough, I wonder, for having ruined three lives?

My love! At birth, you weren’t heavier than 2,800 grams. You barely screamed, once I held you in my arms and you looked at me like I was the world to you. From that moment on, I knew that my only job would be protecting you. I should have prevented what has happened from happening and now your lifeless eyes keep staring in my direction like you are blaming me for lying here today. It isn’t my fault, though, do you hear me? It is his! He is to blame, because he’s always been bad to us. To blame, because he kept hitting me and he was always criticizing you, without wondering what it was like to walk in your shoes.

Remember when you were 14 and in your first relationship? In the next at 17, and in another one briefly thereafter. Weren’t your chosen ones always like him? I would have wished for so much more for you! You could have lived so much better than I had to, and maybe you’ve always only been waiting for me to show you how. But I: I didn’t teach you anything at all. Not how to put your make-up on, not how to drive a car, and neither did I teach you right from wrong. I never taught you how to carry yourself and never showed you how to behave. If only I had done it! Why didn’t I leave him, when we would still have had a chance? I should have shown you that you shouldn’t let yourself be treated this way, so you wouldn’t have ended up chasing after terrible men.

I should have protected you, Lina: from him, from them, from the person you became – messy, moody, morbid, and constantly harming yourself. At 15, when you cut your knuckles, or at 17, when you were addicted to drugs. At 18, when you stopped eating, and at 20, when you weren’t leaving the house anymore. Trembling, I was standing in front of your half open window then, in the depths of winter, but you didn’t let me in. You never took me seriously, and how could you? In my life I’ve just done everything wrong.

He shouldn’t be here today – your father – because he is to blame. For your terrible choices in men, each of your escapades, and all of your tearful nights . For your fear of failure and the fright you had of being yourself. I will leave him, Lina – really, this time.

Where’s the sound? Where – the color? I don’t remember how to breathe. Wrong. Just wrong, everything.