5 The father

Why does she have to be here? This close to me, right in front of the marbled altar? Without her, today would be bad enough. She doesn’t even look at Lina: is only standing in the way, suffering, because she cannot stand herself.

I should never have married her – she ruined everything! It’s her fault that Lina, as a grown-up, hardly ever spoke to me. Hers that she’s rarely ever been careful, never fulfilled her potential and hasn’t been taking care of herself. Her fault alone it is that our daughter never became who she could have been.

Without her, Lina wouldn’t be lying here now – dead – in a soft, white velvet blouse and at the seams it is worn out, because she’d always lend her clothes to others. Even the washed-out stains on the neckline – they’re still there, although we tried to bleach them out – are only her fault, because, skittish as she was, she twitched away from her own daughter a few years ago and her trembling hand spilled her morning coffee all over Lina and the blouse.

Why does she have to wear this one today? An old and worn out blouse that makes her look like a low-life with its low neckline? Why isn’t she wearing the new one I bought after she died? A high-necked one that makes her look graceful and stains it has not. That everyone in here will consider her a whore is only my wife’s fault. For days I’ve been arguing with her about the outfit Lina would wear and she’s still wearing the wrong one now, because her mother never cared for anyone. She never paid attention to anything but her own wishes. When she was pregnant with our girl, she didn’t even want her and if it weren’t for me, she would have killed her own daughter. I prevented it then, but now that Lina’s lying here, dead, it is plain to see that I didn’t succeed in preventing it permanently.

Lina must have been 12 when she first found out that her own mother never wanted her. No wonder she’s been acting abnormally ever since! Instead of art, she should have studied law, moved out of her hovel in the suburbs and had three children with a good man, like the one I chose for her.

Why did you refuse to listen to me, Lina? Why did you always have to do your own thing and were, just like your mother, never appreciative of anything I did? It took you to the grave, my love – she took you to the grave. Without your mother, you would have known how to behave. Without her, I could have shown you how to carry yourself. I would have taught you, Lina, you could have been more than you have ever been. I was so proud of your potential: you could have become anything. That now you’re nothing anymore is only your mother’s fault.

Did she even shed a tear? I don’t see her, she is somewhere behind me, but I really hope that she is suffering.