6. Fire

Pain. It was the first thing she felt. It burnt through her whole body, like venom creeping through her veins. The pain concentrated on a certain spot on her neck, like there was a thorn stuck in her skin. It crept through her brain, firing away any thought, any sense of her existence. Who was she? She didn’t know. What had happened? She didn’t know. Everything she could feel was the fire. There was no perception of time any more, seconds stretched like chewing gum, turning into minutes, hours, days. Sometimes there seemed to be somebody with her and for a short time only, the fire got colder, still hot but more bearable. But those were only short windows in her agony. When that soothing coolness left her, she wanted to scream for help, wanted it to last for longer. But she had no control over her body. Neither over her mouth, nor her head or her limbs. Everything was numb. Sometimes she was not even sure if she had a body. Maybe she was trapped inside her own mind? But she couldn’t think about it, as the fire always came back, and each time it made her loose the tiny grip of herself she still had. Maybe she was turning mad.

After what felt like aeons, the fire slowly started to cease. She could feel her body again. She felt that she was still there, that she still had an existence outside her mind. Her head felt like a giant balloon, her back still ached like she had fallen down from a skyscraper, her mouth was dry as sand, and she had an awful taste on her tongue that reminded her of iron. But still, she couldn’t do anything. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t cry for help. Sometimes she thought she could hear faint voices now, but they were like the wind: always fading away. They never stayed with her. They always left her alone again. Could this be death? But shouldn’t she feel better then? Or was death just another punishment for one’s failures in life?

She wanted to wake up, she wanted to escape. But she couldn’t do anything. She could only endure it. If this was death, she didn’t want it. Life was painfull, but this was even worse. Being alone, condemned to your thoughts and your pain. It felt like hell. Well, maybe it was hell after all.

She had no idea how much time had passed when her head started to clear a bit. Still, she no idea what exactly happened and why she was trapped in her own mind. If it even was her mind. She was not sure any more. She knew she did…something. Something with her mind. Everything after that was a blurry mess. But she could her the voices more clearly now. “Come on Lilja, wake up. You are stronger than this beast, you are a kultaveri, you can do this. Open your eyes, please”. The voice sounded so hopeless, sad, and tired. She couldn’t bare it, couldn’t bare the pain it carried with it. Whoever the voice belonged to shouldn’t be that sad. She wanted to say that, wanted to ensure that she was still there, that she could hear the voice, but everything that escaped her throat was a faint groan. Then she forced herself to open her eyes.