by Alina Kurpel
I started preparing for admissions almost immediately. Time is not abundant: the first scholarship’s deadline is already in November. Life turns into an endless sequence: university—radio—motivation- and recommendation letters—CVs—your messages. I await every “good morning” and “good night” from you. It is the first thing I want to see when I wake up. It is what I want to fall asleep with. No, of course, I want to do it with you. But first, I have to work hard.
I refuse to hang out with friends, go to the cinema, or a bar. No, it is not a sacrifice. I have never had to decline such invitations with such ease before. I am not interested HERE. Sometimes I feel like I do not live here, I am just waiting to leave, waiting for life. Everything here is make-believe. The real life will be THERE.
I wonder if you came to me, would life be HERE?
WhatsApp. Asya—Kim. 30.09.2016
Kim: ciao bella… I would always love to have coffee with you 😘 but it’s hard to do… too far away…
I was thinking about… and let’s say, it’s a complicated situation. How do you feel about it at the moment?
Asya: How do I feel about what at the moment?
Kim: I meant us.
Asya: I can’t say that much has really changed for me. Did you want to say something?
Kim: I’ve been thinking about us… where are we heading? I really like you, and our texting also means a lot to me… I would genuinely love to visit you in St.P. or invite you here. But the last time was tough to say goodbye. So, maybe it’s better if we don’t see each other, to avoid creating bigger problems…
Asya: That’s what I tried to do half a year ago in Venice.
Kim: I also thought… the whole situation will not change so quickly. I will stay in Cologne for the next few years, and you are in St.P. – at least till next September… maybe you are in Germany then (but even Germany is quite big)… this is why it’s quite hard to make it serious…
Asya: I’m aware of all these.
Kim: we should face these facts… what does not bring anything new.
Asya: Well, I wouldn’t say there is nothing new: before at least you wanted to try it.
Kim: I believe if destiny or whatever wants this to work out, it will work out from next September when you are somewhere closer… l should be realistic… I can’t just wait for a year.
Asya: Ok. I don’t know what to say. It’s fine. It’s rational. But you should understand, for me, the end means the end. I usually never step back. If you’ve made a decision, just go through with it. And I just want to say again: love what you do and be happy.
Kim: alright, I just wanted to paint a realistic picture… but for you, everything seems pretty clear already…
© Alina Kurpel 2023-08-29