A. (part 5)

RDA

by RDA

Story

A. walking out blew my mind completely – I can’t deny it.

Rationally, I knew what that silence meant. But as soon as I picked up a drink, I was texting him, or worse, calling him.

He didn’t always answer. When he did, I would ask where he was and then hang up. I never showed up where he was. Actually, I avoided those places.

Guglielmo and Vittorio started ‘hijacking my phone”. And I stopped embarrassing myself.

In April 2019, I received a job offer in Berlin – I accepted it.

In less than three weeks, I handed in my resignation, packed everything up, and found myself on a direct flight to the German capital.

On the day before my departure, I had organised my farewell party. I kept looking at the guest list: there were all the people who had been a part of my life in Lithuania since 2015. Only one person was missing: A.

Knowing I was about to fuck up, I picked up the phone, locked myself in the bathroom, and called him.

A. did not answer. I thought “Fuck! I am stupid!”. A minute later, the phone rang.

“Where are you?”

“Druskininkai, are you going to hang up on me again?”

“No!”

“What’s going on?”

“I wanted to say goodbye.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s my last evening in Vilnius. Tomorrow I’ll leave Lithuania.”

“For real?”

“Yes.”

“Where are you going?”

“To Berlin.”

“Why?”

“I’ve got a job offer.”

“You’re going to be a superhero in Germany.”

“Apparently.”

A. confessed to me how he felt.

He told me what had happened since the last time we had seen each other, and how much had changed in his life.

“Have fun tonight. And good luck in Berlin, although I’m sure you won’t need it.”

“Thank you.”

“Hey, I’ve always loved you.”

“Bye”

“Bye”

Looking back, I can’t stop thinking how stupid we had been for never spoken before.

I regret that I never had the chance to tell him how I really felt, and especially what I wanted from him. But I am glad, for once, that I had done what I wanted; in this particular case, to say goodbye to him.

I’d never imagined I would write about A. after so long. But doing it, having relived him in these days, in these five parts, made me realise how much he actually permeated me. How much I have sought him out, or avoided him, in my other relationships. And where I have to put the stakes for my next love.

A. was my first love, albeit crazy, irrational, and with absolutely no sense.

© RDA 2023-02-28