A Romance with Chaos

The ocean breathes through its waves. Calm and subtle at times, heavy like she had just finished a long run, and sometimes just snores, making it impossible to be near. An overthinker is the same as the waves of the ocean. Sometimes it is impossible to be even with themselves. This story is about Rudra and your journey into the mind of an overthinker. Where and when did it start, and how did I end up here? is a question she often thinks about and yet has no answer. Every small task starts with intricate planning and rehearsals in the mind to make sure nothing goes wrong. Let’s journey to the start of a busy day with an overthinker. It was a busy day with multiple appointments, firstly the city office, followed by a stop at the customs office to collect the package her parents sent for her, and then the dance rehearsal. Rudra had planned and prepared all the documents and timing to the last detail so she doesn’t get overwhelmed at the last minute. It was a week of countless calls and discussions with her friends and parents reciting the thoughts in her head over and over like spasms, thinking every possible way something could go wrong. What could she do, that poor thing her brain had already narrated to her the entire story of the day from all possible parallel universes. It was the day before the appointment and her brain was on fire. She set the alarm unrealistically early, hoping to have time to solve any last-minute mishaps. She went to bed thinking of all the possible circumstances she would face. Will they reject it? What if the officer is on leave, what if something goes missing? What should I say when they ask me this question? What if something happens, I can perhaps save people. “Oh wait, I’m supposed to sleep, and it’s late”. On and on, her mind narrates stories, keeping her company. For sleep is a solitary act and solitude is something she never had, for the voices in her head kept her in a crowded place all the time. It was 3 am. She was fighting battles with her mind trying to calm down and get some sleep. Her eyes came to her rescue when the voices were at war with her sleep. As her eyes drooped with fatigue she finally went to sleep, only to be haunted by vivid dreams about the next day. She woke up with a jolt, jumping from the bed as if she had been thrown out of her dreams. It was two minutes before the alarm. “I must have some superpower I guess,” she thought to herself and tried to convince herself to wake up and get going, even though she wanted to sleep and had no energy for the day. She got ready and checked the documents with her checklist multiple times, forgetting the coffee on the stove and ran back to a smoky kitchen. Everything was set for the day and she was ready. As she slowly sipped her smoked coffee she looked at the golden sky with the rising sun, and empty morning roads, she reminded herself to slow down and live in the present for a tiny moment. This was how she spent her days. Her mind, a chaotic labyrinth with voices at every turn asking her to turn the other way and figure out the path to the unventured ways. To a normal person, the ultimate goal while in a labyrinth is finding the way out. To overthinkers, it is a never-ending chaos where they need to find all the possible ways of getting out. What comes of this? A person stuck in a loop in their mind and a labyrinth with a forgotten goal, running for answers to questions that are not asked nor needed.