A sickness is a collection of symptoms

There he goes. Again and again and again, whimpering in my arms, shaking. “I’m sorry”, he breathes out into my shoulder, and I can feel the vibrations his voice creates. “I’m so sorry, baby.” His hand moves to touch my face, I turn away.

It sounds strange, but it is a pleasant sensation. Albeit the situation is certainly unfitting for this, I feel touched to hold another human being in my arms. I am what keeps him from loneliness.

 He didn’t mean to hit me, he didn’t. Not again. It was an accident. You know you are lying to yourself, Sal. You know you are. Why do you always need to lie? This is not the vibrant reality I have made it out to be. Why did it take me so long to realize that this is … wrong? I stare blankly into the distance. This isn’t real, and I know it. I should know it, so why am I touched by it anyway?

“I hate you.”

“…What?” You can clearly see the confusion on his face. That wasn’t the plan, he thinks. I can feel him thinking it.

“With every fibre of my being, I hate you.” His expression changes into fury. “HOW CAN YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT YOU FUCKING WHORE; HUH?????????” It is the truth and I want to be honest. He slaps me right across my face. It leaves a burning sensation. It hurts, this hurts. Not the bruise, but my insides.

“YOU ARE NOT TO DISOBEY ME; YOU HEAR THAT; YOU BITCH´!?!?!?!?” This is life or death. I look up at him, his pure fury. I cannot feel anger for him, for it is too soon. I pack my things.

He is staring, I can feel him about to lash out at me again. But before that, I leave and run away, as far as I’m physically able to.

I am not okay. Yet, I was not fine beforehand, so one more bad relationship does not hurt. I cannot take pride in my emancipation, however. For he had won, for wasting my time.

I am the loser. I should not have trusted him; I should never have been so honest.

The aching in my chest grows stronger. I run. I run until I collapse onto the asphalt ground beneath my feet. I look up at the darkness, the endless and infinitely deep void of the nightsky.

What am I going to do now?