You turn around and see nothing, a thick mist covers the horizon and you can’t see beyond your own feet. Everything is dark and the atmosphere suffocating. You know there are people in the distance, you can hear them, but they are too far away, as if in another dimension.
At the same time, a whisper surprises you. It had always been there, but it was just a small indistinguishable voice. However, you notice that with each step you take she gains more strength until she becomes deafening. You are not stupid, you know that voice is only in your mind, so you try to ignore it. You keep fighting for her to set you free, but after listening to her for so long, you grow weaker and she feeds on your own uncertainty. She mercilessly attacks you with what hurts you the most. She knows you well.
Actually, she knows you better than anyone.
You feel a stab in every part of your being and you find it hard to breathe. But it is not a common suffering. Nor is it a known sadness. No, this feeling is new and every time you try to figure it out, it only gets stronger. Your whole life is shaking, it is falling apart and there is nothing you can do because you no longer control it. That voice that began as a silent whisper, that even seemed to want to help you, demanding you to make an effort, motivating you to be better, to give your all in every little detail, is now in charge of closing every space of your soul where light entered. That voice transforms you and now, instead of seeing the world in colors, the only thing that appears is a shadow of the person you used to be, that person you miss so much, but slowly turns into ashes.
Suddenly you see a shy ray of light, it is so far away it is almost imperceptible, but you feel your heart widen full of hope. You know you just have to get there to clear the fog and put aside the darkness. With the little strength you have left, you manage to make one last effort and sprint as fast as you can. You notice how you are running out of breath and how your legs beg for a break, but you don’t stop, you can’t, this is your chance. When you arrive, it will all be worth it.
Slowly, you realize that that long-awaited ray of light never seems to be closer and, even though you know you have been running for hours, you are still miles away from your goal. Tears begin to blur your vision. You stumble and crash to the ground. You’re too tired to get up.
“Why am I not strong enough to take this?”,
“Why am I not smart enough to get out of here?”
You want to scream at the top of your lungs, but through the tears you can only manage a soft whisper,
“Why can’t I be enough? ”.
You look up, your brave heart ready not to give up and try just one more time, one last hope, but you realize that everything was an illusion. A play of light.
All there is, is an abyss.
An abyss of broken glass.
© 2023-01-21