// ALIEN

in my teenage years, I spent many thoughts on perception. I noticed early on that everyone’s reality was of another conception. what mattered most to me was to be perceived. and this was the hardest to be achieved.

little me never thought about rebelling. I wasn’t the one who would start yelling. I would stay quiet and draw, bring home good grades and leave everything without a flaw. I learned to live as a passenger. always leaving everything like I found it. so that I can go whenever I wanted.

my nightmare isn’t attracting negative attention. it’s being ignored like out of another dimension. like I’m an alien, only that others feel alien to me. being extra-terrestrial. not really a millennial, but also not feeling like part of gen z. whatever I am, whatever I need to be. stuck between healing and dealing with what the world is demanding from me.

my perfectionism and the qualities of capitalism weren’t why I grew. my empathy and altruism were de trop and I had to learn to be my own maestro.

they warned us about drugs, they warned us about thugs, but they didn’t teach us that overextension is only one step away from ‘only until next month.’

isn’t it funny, how you’re always told to be good, but when it gets rough, you’re not understood, because nobody keeps a people pleaser? they exploit you shortly, put you in the freezer, only to defrost you as soon as you’re needed again.

I don’t want to be needed anymore. I want to be appreciated and treated right. I want to be perceived, not only deceived and I can’t accomplish this on my current way. I need to be stronger than prey. that’s why I’m welcoming alterations. I’m using the liberation of myself to end this misery without further injury.

you can only fill a vessel to a certain limit, then it gets too much and you can’t contain it.

the human body is very intelligent. it keeps you updated quite excellent, but we don’t listen. that’s what we’re missing. and I kept my ears shut, when mine was already screaming. didn’t want to make a cut, didn’t think it was as obvious as it was seeming.

my next chapter is focussing on listening. this time not to others, but to what myself is signalling. I plan on being in touch with me and I owe myself an apology.

whilst doing so,

I need to see that

good feelings

are still

not always

meant

to

be.