B, my dear friend

It happened again, fuck! Your friend becomes your crush, and you know this is not going to end it up well. You remember that time when you were fifteen, and you had a huge crush on your high school friend, and somehow you got the nuts to declare your love to him: Hey “T”, I like you, nervously you said in the darkness of that Friday night hanging out in the forest. You don’t remember what he said back to you, because the sound of your heart breaking was too loud. He didn’t like you back and the trauma of that rejection is still a bloody wound in your corazón.

First message I never sent to B:

Hey B I have a question for you. Do you want to go on a date with me? Because I like you and I don’t want to fake it anymore.Think about it, you and me with nice music and soft candle lights. We can get to know each other better and who knows, even kiss. Please don’t feel bad if the answer is no (just send the finger down emoji and I will get it, no explanation need it) I’m not going to be weird about it, I promise, I like our friendship so if you are not interested on me in that way is fine, we can still be friends, when there is no hope I can move on fast. So, don’t worry to hurt me, I’m going to be fine. But, if you are interested, Dinner?

Second message I never sent to B:

I’m really attracted to you, every time you are close to me, I want to smell your head and your neck, I want to cuddle with you, I want to hug you strongly, I want to kiss you everywhere, I want to see you naked, yes, this is how much I like you. The first day we meet, I was trying to flirt with you, but I’m so bad at it and then she came, and she told me that you two had a story, and then I realized that she was also into you, and you were into her too, so I left, because I do not like to compete with my friends. But now, that we are becoming friends I need to tell you the truth, I want to put it outside of me and share it with you, so our friendship can be honest, I’m tired of pretend, I know that you probably don’t feel the same attraction to me and that is fine, don’t worry I’m not telling you this seeking for any answer, after I say this at loud I can easily move on and transform these feelings into a platonic one.I promise not be weird about it, I’m very optimistic, I hate rejection but in this case I know we can cultivate an honest and deep friendship if you want to.

Today B is going to pick you up in his motorcycle to go to the lake. Are you going to be a big girl and tell him the truth about your feelings?

I did. I told him everything. He was so nice and made me feel super comfortable with this rejection. Now I have to think what is best for me, should it be convenient to take some space and allow myself to move on for real? Or should I continue doing what I always do?, that is keeping the fantasy alive. The one side type of love is mutable like capitalism, it adapts and updates. For example, now that I told B how I feel, and even after he told me that he wants just to be friends, I still keep him as my object of desire because the fantasy change to this: I will wait for him, so after waiting for 10 years, he will realize that I am his better half, and we should finally be together and start a family. Do you understand now why it is so difficult to quit this drug?