Blue-eyed-boy pain

Emely Kocer

by Emely Kocer

Story

~*~

Ever wondered why a rose has thorns?

I used to be a girl with a huge amount of heavy weighing problems. Honestly some days I am really insecure, if my entire life wasn’t a joke, or better: If the part of my life ain’t a joke, where I got away with everything.

It’s hard to live in the present, if you’ve been walking around in your past praying to break together. Every single day.

Well, now I’m nineteen soon and there are still so many days I cry about simply everything and nothing. My heart doesn’t need any specific reason to burn again and remind me of the nights I felt empty and the nightmare days. Yes, I guess the days were the hardest. I almost called those friends my “best friends”, who looked in my eyes and never asked me how I am. That doesn’t mean I was doing horrible all the time but let’s be honest, the last years of school were a collection of anxiety and hunger. A hunger to escape, to run away or to give up and stop trying my best. My best wasn’t enough, and it’s not even today. So, the worst days were when I didn’t eat anything in the last 24 hours and I felt my body running cold but nobody noticed. I could have been dying in the girls toilet and cry my eyes out, stand up again and sit in class. Nobody saw my red eyes. Life’s tough and the top is way more based on insecurities and hate. Why else is in a garden of roses no rose without thorns? My life cracked when I was 13. People don’t understand that we’re literally fighting against ourselves and the entire universe. Slightly I was running out of energy, but I had to keep on going every day, right? School sucked. A bunch of really weird Idiots started to bully me, yeah. Is there anybody out there who is really accepted, understood and supported by schoolmates? Or at lest the popular ones? I doubt that. My this time best friend and I tried our luck in a toxic relationship with each other. Well, we didn’t even kiss because I was shy as hell. Sometimes I still am. In 8th class my class and the class above went to London. If I knew better, I would have stayed home. So, as you could probably not imagine, there was a boy I didn’t even know he was on my school — I had no idea he has even existed. But damn, yes, I fell so hard for him that every cursed single time I was meant to see him — and we never talked a word — my body was frozen. My heart got hit by a lightning. That’s where my life went down I guess. Also, the problems with my family increased and there wasn’t only one day when I wanted to die. Mostly my mind forced my body not to give up, while I was deeply stuck into a one-sided love with a blue-eyes tall boy who probably knew my name because I looked like an idiot around him. Parents have a hidden superpower to kill your heart differently — as if they would have a super special right to break their children’s heart personally. Imagine you’ve been thinking about the same guy who hurts your feelings and being bullied by everyone for being not skinny enough, not pretty enough… and don’t forget the bad marks. Lord, I don’t know how I made it.

This is my growing up story.

© Emely Kocer 2021-05-16

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