Chapter 7

The setting sun sent its bright, orange rays down to the hill we were sitting on. It was long past ten when we had arrived at the meadow with our bikes. Paula had lent me one. After we had gone home from the city, she had pleaded me to stay the night in her ‘it will be fun’ way, but now we were sitting on a hill in the middle of nowhere with a blanket and a picnic basket. “Are you more of a sunset or sunrise person?”, Paula asked. “Sunset I guess.” She smiled. “Thought so.” Silence. “So, what are we gonna do now?” It was a valid question after being dragged here with no clue. Paula didn’t lift her gaze once from the slowly vanishing sun. “Sleeping under the stars”, she said. “I’ve always wanted to do this since I saw it in a movie, but night always makes me feel so melancholic, I was afraid I’d just end up crying. But with you, I can enjoy it.” She turned towards me. “I can’t imagine you crying. You’re so strong”, I said. The sun had completely set by now and the only thing left was a faint, yellow glow on the western sky. As time went by, the thousands of tiny light points succeeded to overpower that glow and set themselves apart from the black veil of the sky. “It’s not as easy as it looks, Marie. Yes, I’m confident and strong, but that doesn’t mean I’m invulnerable. I can be hurt too, feel weak. I got where I am today because most people don’t accept me anyway, whether I’m trying to fit in or not, and I tried, believe me. But not being true to yourself only hurts you more. There’s nothing more painful than starting to question yourself, so I decided to not give a shit on all those morals and conventions and just be who I am. Strength is a weapon, Marie, but it’s also a curse, because it lifts expectations in others. Confidence on the other hand is a shield that can protect you from the harsh sides of reality.”

Paula had avoided my gaze again, watching the horizon while she said all that. I fidgeted with my shoelaces and glanced at her. She had always been so bubbly that I never even thought about the possibility of her being sad or weak or hurt. I thought she would just always brush it off, but of course, you aren’t born that way. “How… how did you manage to get there? I mean, everyone says ‘just be yourself’, but what if I don’t know?” I plugged a few blades of grass and crumbled them between my fingers. It was completely dark now and I grabbed my flashlight to at least see Paula’s face. “Hmm, the thing about being yourself is that you are the only one, who can find out. The most important thing is to not act to please others but do what feels right for you, I guess.” She flopped on her back, hands behind her neck, and gazed upon the stars. Doing what feels right for me.

“What’s your dream, Marie?” The question came out of nowhere and pulled me out of my thoughts. “I… I don’t know…” A lie. I knew what I wanted and she knew that I knew. “Come on, tell me!” She pointed her flashlight at me and I flinched. “Tell me or I’ll tickle you to death.” She smirked mischievously before throwing me onto the ground. “Haha, nohoho, stohohop, Paula! Fihine, I’ll tell you!” She sat up and looked at me, satisfied with herself. “You know, since I was a kid, I’d always liked poetry and stuff, so…” I pointed my gaze at a single blade of grass, moving my finger along the edge, curling the leaf around my nail before ripping it off. “I wanted to do a poetry slam.”