Finally, the day of the entrance exam at Halle Studienkolleg arrived. It was a snowy day. I stood in line, waiting for an hour outdoors. The line for the M-Kurs (medicine course) exam was extended, and the room was packed with around 200 candidates, vying for only 14 spots. I had to take a German test with essay and multiple choice questions. A natural subject test includes chemistry, physics, and biology. They were very difficult. Unfortunately, I didn’t make it.
I continued to study and study for exams with the hope of getting into Nordhausen’s Studienkolleg. This was the online exam and we didn’t have to turn the camera on. The problem is that many contestants can get help from their acquaintances which I don’t have. Therefore, the already difficult exam is now even more difficult. And I failed.
The disappointment was so overwhelming that I didn’t utter a word. I avoided answering calls from my family, fearing they would ask about my test. I didn’t have the courage to speak the truth. I had expected that, after all the effort and hardships, I would finally get into a preparatory school (Studienkolleg) and then pursue psychology at a German university, meet friends from various countries, and ask the wise professor the question i wonder about. I never anticipated this failure.
I need to wait one more semester to register and take the exam again. I need to keep trying. I pushed myself a lot. I told myself, that this is what I chose, so I have to try to the end. That now I have no choice but to try or things will get worse. But I’m too tired to keep trying, too discouraged. And I failed again.
It felt like everything was collapsing right before my eyes. All my efforts over the long period seemed to shatter. I felt like a failure for many days. Wondering if my life will be this dark for how long? Why did I trade so much for a life like this? Is it worth it? Should I go home?
© Quynh_Anh_di_Duc 2024-01-24