chapter thirteen – bea

The rain is pouring down on us. Our lake day didn’t go as planned, but that’s okay. The sun we wanted wasn’t there when we arrived at the lake. Instead, we got rain. But we made the best out of it. We stood on the pier put some music on and danced in the rain until our feet hurt, and our clothes stuck to us like a second skin.
Now we’re laying down looking into the cloudy sky enjoying the unplanned things in life, which sometimes are the best things to happen.
“That was really fun,” Emery says, still a little out of breath from our dancing. Her blonde hair is sticking to her face in strands just like mine.
“Yeah it really was,” I say a light smile on the lips.
“This is a moment that made me feel alive as well, just like our late-night drive and so many other things we did,” Emery says. “It finally feels like I am living and not only surviving,” she adds. Her words hit me deeply. There’s a knot building in my stomach knowing what I am about to tell her and how easily it could destroy everything she has built over the past months. But I know that I have to tell her now.
“Em?” I ask.
“Yeah?” As always she turns around to look at me, but I don’t do the same. My heart is racing, and the words die in my throat. I take a deep breath and count to seven before I release it. Then I try again. “Remember how you asked me how I can live every day with such happiness and joy when we were sitting in the meadow?”
“Yeah,” Emery nods.
“That is because it was never up to me. In the end, I was never able to decide whether I wanted to live or not. I am sick, Em.” I press out the words while looking at the sky. Emery stays quiet, but I know that she understands that this isn’t about some stupid cold I have. I finally manage to turn on my left side to look at her. She’s trying to hold back the tears.
“How long?” she asks her voice trembling.
“A few weeks at best,” I whisper.
I never thought it was possible to see someone’s heartbreak. But with my words, I can see how Emery’s heart shatters into a thousand little pieces. Her tears start to fall. I pull her into a hug and hold her. I let her break apart. Her tears mix with the rain. I don’t even notice that mine do as well until I hear a sob escape my mouth.
“Are you afraid?” Emery asks after she has calmed down a little bit, with her head still laying on my chest.
“No,” I say honestly. “Not any more. I know that my grandpa is waiting there for me and that he will take good care of me,” I tell her of what I strongly believe. “You know, every day could be my last day. I don’t want to miss a single chance of living life to the fullest because I don’t have the privilege of living a long life. But I will go with the knowing that I did my best and that I have no regrets of not having done something,” I tell her about what I so strongly believe. Emery doesn’t say anything in return.
“Em, promise me not to give up. No matter how hard it gets, don’t give up. Live your life so that you have no regrets when you make your way back to me. On your hardest days, remember to stay alive for me, because I couldn’t,” I plead.
“I promise B. I won’t give up, not until I have to,” Emery promises me, her voice shaking. We lay on the pier her head on my chest and my arm around her, with the raindrops hitting us.
“One day, we will meet again,” I say while my voice breaks.