CHILDSTAR

When I was five years old, my parents gave me the most precious gift of all time. They took me to my grandmother’s place (my father’s mom), and I permanently lived with her for over three years. In my eyes, she was a strong person with a lot of confidence and power. She knew what she wanted, and she was going for it, regardless of what others might think.

I cannot explain with words what this meant to me. I was for the first time able to be myself, to be free, I was loved, someone was actually taking care of me. Someone was supporting me, loving me and encouraging me to be who I was, preparing some home food, tee.

She took me for the first time to a cinema and I watched a movie that changed my life: SELENA! Watching Jennifer Lopez perform Selena was life-changing for me. I suddenly saw a world I wanted to be part of. I saw beauty, artistry, music, fashion and dance. From that moment, I knew all I wanted to do with my life was to perform, to make music, to dance and entertain people.

I spent most of the time in my grandmother’s house dancing and performing for her. When my cousins were in the house, I was the happiest person on earth. They loved me and I loved them. We played to be a superhero and ran all around the house, believing we were X-Men. Gina, my female cousin, is my age, and she was my partner in crime at all times. We did so many crazy things together as kids, she might follow all the crazy ideas I had and also deal with the consequences. I remember a time when we exchanged the shampoo for the dog’s shampoo, and we also put in some acids and cleaning stuff.

I always organized a show and convinced my cousins to be part of it. I set on the choreography and concept. They were always excited about my ideas, and wanted to be part of them, but I was always so perfectionist in my mind. For them, it was just a game, they were just playing, but for me, it wasn’t. I always wanted to have a perfect show, pushed them to rehearsal and directed them. After a few hours or days, they hated me. They didn’t want to play with me anymore, and I had a show to do and to finish.

My grandmother saw my talent and took me into dancing classes. She took me into ballet classes, and it was kind of our secret. She might say “Don’t tell your father I am bringing you here.” But things went wrong and my parents found out I was doing ballet. My father went crazy and hit me. He said “I won’t have a faggot in my family.” For him, dancing was something only girls could do, or homosexuals. My parents were pretty clear. In my family I could be everything, even a criminal, but NEVER homosexual, NEVER!!!

My parents thought that living with my grandmother was a mistake, so they took me with them again. I was crying every day, I couldn’t be myself, I couldn’t dance, I couldn’t perform. I felt my light slowly shutting down. This was the beginning of a dark circle that lasted years, and that I remember as the most painful time of my life.