by SR
I look into your eyes, and I see the danger they encapsulate. You let me glimpse into your soul and I know you don’t mean it as a threat. Otherwise, you would have done it by now, killed me. You hurt. I can feel it. Your breath feels like fire on my skin, and you leave behind third degree burns. My skin blisters and scars form. But I do not treat them afterward, oh no. I admire them, and I admire you. I want them to stay, stay on and within my skin indefinitely. Beauty. That is what they are.
Your body encapsulates the heat. Your body encapsulates the cold. You choose to hurt and sometimes, you choose to hurt me. Nobody can see how much it pains you, how agonizing it really is. Life, that is. Even I don’t. I pretend to do; however, it does not comfort you. It never does. Since you know, and I know that you know. But you choose.
Why does no one ever want to play with me? Why do I have to force you to play with me? …… I see you. I see you hiding! I see those quick split decisions you make in the blink of an eye. There is pain in me that I bottle up. Sometimes, it spills over. Do you do that too? Bottle up your feeling? Do you even feel?
And I hurt so much. Oh my god I hurt, you cannot feel it, but I do, and it hurts so fucking bad why does it always hurt so fucking bad? My baby, why? Why do you always do this? Make the same fucking mistakes over and over and over and over and over?
I step over to my bathroom mirror and see myself looking back at me, my face beaten up and bruised. I whimper, but I don’t cry. I cannot cry. The tears don’t make it out my eyes.
I am a used-up shell, a fleshlight you use to get you off. But it is not you, it is me and my emotions I see in you are all me because you are the reflection of me but I don’t control you, I stay with you for my own selfish needs and have to sacrifice myself to you but I am making bad choices and they are not bad for you but bad for me because only I can say what is right and wrong for me because I am the decider of my own objectivity because objectivity only exists as long as I exist and I can never be too sure that everyone around me isn’t fake am I the only one who is real in this place is this hell this never ending loneliness that is caused by the isolation in my head and how am I supposed to go on I am whoever I’m with I’m always lonely and that is too much for me what is this Why am I like this why do they never appreciate me all I do is give but never get I don’t want to what is this is this supposed to be life there is nobody there it’s just me forever and ever and ever and ever and it is too much everything is too much I have to do everything on my own because there is nobody nobody will come to help me there will never be any help it is all me it is all me the strength comes from you im so sorry im so fucking sorry how did it get like this please im sorry im so sorry
My breath is uneven and my skin burns. I like it, it distracts. Then again. Why did I ever let him in? The mirror in front of me is still smashed into thousands of tiny pieces. Through it, I look like some sort of villain. What have you become? Even more deranged.
© SR 2023-08-28