Clean slate

I write this last chapter from my bed. My favorite place in the world, my comfort, my best friend, my safe space. I used to sleep in the same bed as my mother until I was 15. Each of us in our own world, each of us lost in our own dreams, but both of us united in the certainty that everything was going to be okay. To be close to your mother, to be in touch with her scent, is a remedy that cures every illness. During the day, my mother could not give me the attention and care I needed; her life as a single mother, working two jobs, caring for two children and two parents, did not allow us to enjoy many precious moments as mother and daughter. I feel very jealous when I see German children playing in the park with their parents. I had her only during the night, protected by the warmth of her body. I remember the last night we slept together, when I decided to release her nocturnal reign. The reasons for this were mundane, simply that our sleeping habits were very different, she liked to fall asleep with the television on and I didn’t. She let her gas flow freely between the sheets and I didn’t like those smells. And when I couldn’t stand it anymore, I left. The intimacy of the bed when you sleep with another person is for me the most intense and difficult of all, I have had a lot of sex with people I did not know, it was not difficult for me to play that carnal role, but when you sleep next to another person, and you feel their breath so close to you is another thing. You have no control over what’s happening in the subconscious, and this transfer of energy from one mind to another is very intense for me. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Once, when I was sleeping with a Tinder date at his house, I dreamed that I pooped in the same bed we were sleeping in. I woke up feeling so ashamed. I can imagine that it must be difficult to share a bed as a couple, it limits the possibilities when you have to share it. When you are alone, you can do a lot of things in your bed: eat, sleep, draw, watch TV, knit, masturbate, cry, dream, heal, regain your strength, and so much more. I don’t think I’d be able to do a lot of those things if I had someone else next to me. Maybe that’s the point, if I can do all of those things without worrying about whether there’s someone else next to me, then maybe that’s the person I need to be with. I need to strengthen myself in my bed. Stop being ashamed. My bed is my bed and I do what I want here. I want to make love in my bed. But I want to do it my way, and that means you and me in my bed with soft lights, candles and incense. No music. We’re in our clothes, and I’m acting like I’ve never had a kiss or sex before. And you are playing this game with me because you care about me so much. Slowly, you let me explore sexuality. Just to feel, as mindlessly as possible, what I really like. Where I feel free to explode with pleasure. Or even if pleasure is not my thing, where is my limit? To make a fresh start, to wipe the slate clean, to go back to being a virgin, to stop watching bad porn and to focus my thoughts on more than just romantic love. I don’t know if I’ll ever make it, but I’m going to try, especially in these moments of my life where I’m finally starting to feel good about who Iam, a couple of nights ago I went to bed feeling like I was enough, like I could shine with my own light. It was so weird to feel for the first time that I could be my own crush, but I think I can get used to it.