They say you should dance like nobody is watching. As if it were easy. Just do whatever feels right in the moment. Simply be happy and free. Well, that doesnât work for me.
I donât dance. At least not in public. Limbs flying around uncontrollably, the awkward moment when you try to dance to a song you pretend to like or pretend to know, and your body is screaming resistance while your face shows wishful but forced belonging.
I simply donât dance around other people. Feeling their eyes on me, judging me, or at least thatâs how it feels like. Dancing makes me feel vulnerable, insecure, hyper-aware. And thatâs not a feeling I particularly like.
So, I donât do it. Not unless forced. Or unless tequila makes me, but I feel like that doesnât count. Dancing at home is different. Dancing alone is different. Liberating in a way. Itâs true what they say about dancing like nobodyâs watching, just that I can only do it when in fact â nobody iswatching. Dancing around my small room, taking up all the space, letting go of everything. Of self-awareness, of inhibitions, of the idea of limitations.
Twirling, shaking and swaying around the room with my arms stretched out and my head tilted back to the sky; or well, to the slightly shabby but high ceiling of my room. Dancing when nobody is watching. When nobody cares that I basically look like a lunatic on a sugar high. One of my favorite feelings.
© Martina Braunegger 2021-07-28